Urgent Care = The New DMV

The Latin poet Virgil once said, "If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell".  I've always wondered how that would have turned out for him in our modern age.  In a time of total efficiency, process improvements and constant change, I still can't help but wonder why so many things continue to be so disorganized and poorly executed.

I recently had to go to the Urgent Care because my ears had been hurting and it was screwing with my hearing.  M thought it would be a good idea for me to take Adler along because he too had been crabby and sensitive with his ears...that and he was overdue for his next ear infection.  So after work one night, the two of us headed to the Urgent Care to get checked out.

The unfortunate part about this evening at the Urgent Care was that there were already a bunch of people waiting when we arrived at 6:07pm (it opened at 6pm).  There were about 5 people ahead of us in line and by the time we reached the front, the receptionist had already reached the max limit on her Estimated Wait Time sign:

The waiting room was filled with the sounds of "sick".  Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, cell phone chatter, moans and groans and the constant drone of the awful muzak.  It reminded me of what it must be like if you took an entire day's worth of elevator rides and compounded it into one 30 second interval.

As I started to zone out in an attempt to save brain cells, the guy across the room started a sneezing fit.  Now normally I wouldn't care (we are after all at the "sick house" trying to make ourselves well again), but this freakshow wasn't even covering his mouth...not once.  It was loud and boisterous and you could literally see the crud inside his body exiting and dissolving into the air like fresh pee in the shallow end of the kiddie pool.  It was rude and disgusting and it pulled both Adler and me out of our trances immediately:

So much for conserving brain cells.  To help pass the time, Adler decided to tell everyone in the room a story:

Once the levee finally broke with the patience in the room, the funniest thing happened:

For anyone who has visited this site before, I hope you just enjoyed a little chuckle.

Anyway, soon after that it was Captain Snotball's turn to go in to get checked out and there was much rejoicing from the remaining guests who were left behind in the waiting room:

So with what I thought was the end of an entertaining series of events in the waiting room, I tried to go back to my mouth breathing and not think about the fact it had already been like an hour since we first arrived.  Suddenly, I was brought back to reality when the new guest that sat down next to me realized I was holding one of the cutest babies in the world (PLEASE NOTE:  I said ONE of the cutest babies - please don't leave comments arguing why yours is way cuter...I don't care):
 

Things went downhill from there:

Seriously, what the hell does that even mean?

Stating the obvious in 3, 2, 1:

I shouldn't judge.  I'm sure she was just trying to make conversation...maybe...but after sitting there for over an hour and a half, I was in no mood to find out.

So we eventually were called and made our way into one of the clinic's many patient rooms where we were granted an audience with the evening's on-duty medicine wizard-like guy (aka The Doctor).

Okay...

Um, hrm...

Really?  Just my luck...

By that point, I was in no mood...

But Adler sure was!

So after all of that, it turned out Adler was fine and didn't have an ear infection like we thought.  I, however, did have an irritation and required some medication to help my inner ear canal heal and improve my hearing.

So it was off to the pharmacy and a 30-45 minute wait while the pharmacist tech on duty finished her burrito and pulled a pre-packaged box of ear drops off the shelf to complete my order.  All the while, I couldn't help but feel like I was reliving a moment I had recently tried to escape from no more than a mere few hours earlier:

So for those of you who know what it's like to experience the tormented abyss that is commonly known as Urgent Care, I feel your pain and ask that one day we rise up against our health care providers and ask for a better process.  If nothing else, please at least get some better muzak...

-Cheers!

Ayris Turns 5

Holy crap, I have a 5 year old!  When did that happen?  Oh yeah, it happened today...

That's right, folks, today is the Goofy Goober's birthday.  As a gift for her, she asked me to log onto "The Lemon" and make a picture of her.  Everything from the color of the cake to the quote was all her engineering:

I have no idea why she gave herself red hair...your guess is as good as mine.  Anyway, Happy Birthday Pretty Girl, I love you!

Red Ring of Death

For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a huge fan of video games.  I've been gaming most of my life and it's something that's always been a part of me.  I remember the late nights of Mortal Kombat, Madden and NHL '94 in college, Golden Eye and Halo after bar close, Tekken and DOA on Sunday nights with the fellas, and of course my 8 hour marathon sessions into the wee hours of the morning playing a countless number of games over the years.  Do I play a lot?  Not as much as I would like.  Do I enjoy them?  Yes.  Does it give me a sense of accomplishment knowing some made up virtual world is safe once again because I came along and squashed the evil tyranny that has washed across the land?  Yes.  Am I obsessed?  No.  Do I dress up like Master Chief and go to conventions or write fan fiction about a Resident Evil / Final Fantasy crossover?  Uh...no.  Is the capital of Nebraska - Lincoln?  Yes.  Does gaming consume, complete, or define me?  No, but it is a part of my life and something that will continue to be a part of my life for years to come.

My most recent obsession has been Fallout 3 for the Xbox 360.  It's one of those non-linear games where you aren't given a full set of objectives to complete the game (i.e. go from Point A to Point B, kill Monster C, lather, rinse, repeat...).  It's an open world where after a brief intro, you're basically allowed to wander the post apocalyptic world of Washington, DC.  You can go wherever you want, talk to whomever you want, say whatever you want to them (be nice or be an ass), and basically just do whatever you want.  Yes, there is a story and there is a point to the game, but most of the fun comes from just exploring and seeing new places, meeting new people, helping them out with their problems and shooting the occasional Raider or Super Mutant.  I'm drifting, sorry, anyway I decided to really get into this game and let it all play out.  My last game save said that I had put in over 100 hours of game play (over the span of 4 months).  I was max level and about halfway through the game when the dreaded Red Ring of Death hit my XBox.

For those of you not familiar with the RRoD, it's when your XBox 360 is unable to read the discs.  It's named after the 3 out of 4 quarter circles that turn red on the consoles status indicator.  At this point (and it's happened to many people), it's time to get a new XBox.  For some unfortunate few, it also loses all of the data and game saves stored on the hard drive. 

Yep, you guessed it...I was one of those poor bastards who just lost all of his game saves:

When I tried to explain my pain to M, she didn't understand.  It's just a game, start over.  Ahhh, what?!  Are you out of your damn mind?  Apparently she didn't get it, and most of my family and co-workers didn't either.  My friends understood, and they became my pillar of strength during this difficult time, but I felt like everyone needed to share in my pain that is the terrible Red Ring of Death!  So I decided to put it into a context for people who don't play video games and may enjoy a different pastime.  I hope I ruin this for all of you...

Imagine you are at a sporting event and your all-time favorite team in the whole, wide world is playing in the "big game" for the Duffenheimer Cup and 12 months worth of bragging rights.  Your team is trailing as the underdog and they suddenly have a game changing opportunity.  You're heart starts pounding, you jump from your seat, and you start screaming like crazy.  All of a sudden, the ball/puck/shuttlecock/whatever turns into a tiny, green gremlin that steals everyone's shoes and runs away:

What do you do?  Everyone is speechless (and without shoes).  How could this happen?  This was their moment.  This was YOUR moment!  In a last ditch effort to salvage the game, the referee/umpire/biggest parent/whatever decides to call the game in favor of the other team.  Orange slices are handed out to all the players and everyone goes home with no intention of ever discussing the bizarre situation that just transpired before you.  Bet that would suck huh?

For you "theater people", imagine you have finally scored tickets to the greatest play/opera/mime show/whatever that will ever happen in the history of your life.  You've been waiting months for this experience.  You even went shopping and bought a new pair of theater glasses just to celebrate this historic occasion.  The big night has finally come, you're dressed up nice enough to be buried, the lights go down and the curtain goes up.  Suddenly, out steps Joe Pesci.  Instead of your show, it has been replaced at the last minute by Northern New Jersey Summer Stock Festival's rendition of Hamlet:

What do you do?  You're in horrible pain of listening to Joe Pesci say funny words with a Jersey accent.  You want to drill a hole into your ears just to relieve some of the pressure building up in your skull so your head doesn't explode.  When the 4 hour, no intermission train wreck is over, the crowd quickly stands up and exits out of the theater/concert hall/gymnasium/whatever and they never speak a word of their experience ever.  Wouldn't that suck?

Ok, still not hitting home?  How about a concert instead?  You have been a huge follower of Metallica/Taylor Swift/Vanilla Ice/whatever for years.  You even stuck with them through their crappy albums knowing full well they just weren't trying anymore (I'm looking squarely right at you Dream Theater, Sevendust and Linkin Park).  You were able to get tickets to THE TOUR.  The tour to end all tours (until their next tour).  You stood in line for three days waiting for these tickets.  When the ticket office finally opens, the tickets are already sold out (use the internet next time, dummy).  So now you have to pay 3 times the cost for crappy seats high up in the upper deck, but it doesn't matter, because you're going to see the show!  Good for you...except the night of the show, the lights go down, the crowd jumps to their feet and then this:

That's right, there was a mix-up at the booking office and you're now stuck listening to Zamfir:  Master of the Pan Flute with special guest - Cajun Whale Tears, a drum line fusion jug band.  What do you do?  You've already bought the ticket, you're already wearing the concert shirt (also, don't be that guy) and you're now stuck listening to something that sounds like a cross between owls and pigeons having a giant game of "Yo momma so fat..." and The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  Now would that totally suck or what?

Alright, one more - vacation time.  I'll use the short version because I'm tired, I'm sure you get the point by now and the 3 of you that have managed to make it this far probably have to go pee.  So, dream vacation (think Gear Daddies), saving up, really excited, can't wait, then this:

That's right, somehow (I don't know - worm hole / transporter malfunction / disgruntled pilot / whatever) you end up in that $h!t hole from the movie District 9.  That sucks, the end.

So hopefully you caught on and now feel a little bit more of my pain here.  Incidentally, we did buy a new XBox 360 along with the Kinect.  For those of you not in the know of what the Kinect is, it's a motion sensor that captures your movement and transfers it to the avatar onscreen.  So if you jump / flail your arms / scratch yourself / whatever, your onscreen avatar does the same thing:

It's actually a lot of fun once you get past the point of no longer feeling like an idiot.  The kids really like it and it seems to be a decent alternative to actually exercising / paddling a boat / popping water balloons in space / whatever.

Of course, I do need to make a confession.  When I told my friend Greg about the RRoD, he told me I needed to come over to the light side of the force and buy a PlayStation 3.  While I'm not ready to give up my force lightning just yet, M decided it was time to add another member to our ever growing family:

I wonder how long it'll take before I break this one...

-Cheers!

Lemon Quickies II

Well another holiday season is behind us.  It seems to go faster and faster every year.  Psycho M showed up for a little while during our annual Christmas photo shoot:

Seriously, I felt like I was either going to go dust the ceiling with my head or I was on my way to go film some porn.  But with a little help from my good friend Photoshop and several test pics of me in various stages of "poof", I was able to replace my flat hair head with one that had more body and bounce:

For those of you who don't know, M is nearly impossible to shop for.  Seriously, even if she tells you what she wants, you'd better research the hell out of it because if it didn't score at least 4 stars on Amazon, it's going back...just like that elliptical machine I just bought her.  What makes it worse is that her birthday is December 26th!  So not only do I have to come up with an entire Christmas worth of swag, I also have her birthday the next day (I know, it's worse for her blah blah blah, but still - my blog, my rants).  So this year I thought that I had totally outdone myself.  I had been paying attention to her subtle hints for months, and I knew what I was going to get her - a Kindle!

I was so sure of myself that I thought no matter how bad my other presents were, M would love me forever because I remembered that she wanted a Kindle and I got one for her:

But it was not meant to be.  Two days after I bought it, M told me she didn't think she wanted a Kindle this year.  My dreams were shattered:

And I was stuck having to revert back to my other ideas.  Unfortunately, I was not having much luck with those either:

Come on!  Target should have a mandatory dress code - shoes/pants required and you can't wear a stupid red shirt unless you fricken work there!  Ah well, it all turned out fine in the end.  M kept everything I gave her this year (I think) and I got to learn how much of a terrible, sexist pig I am for buying my wife a sewing machine for Christmas (which she asked for by the way).  It was a win-win kind of holiday!

Since the weather in Minnesota has been insanely snowy this year, I have been abusing the hell out of the ability to work from home.  It's nice because I can still do everything I do in the office, except without the need to spend two hours sitting in "snow traffic" wondering why the hell I didn't just work from home.  Although with M and the kids also at home, it can get a little tricky trying to teach the kids that when Daddy's on a conference call, he needs to be left alone:

Finally I will leave you once again with some recent comments from my children.  M and Ash have become addicted to New Super Mario Bros for the Wii.  Ash usually wants to play it by himself, but M is really good at this game and it's nice that they can both play at the same time.  Course the comments can be pretty funny too:

Lastly, I wish I knew what is going on in the minds of kids.  Sometimes they say such random things that you wonder how their thought process led them there.  I was thinking about that recently when we were all playing "horsey" together:

Actually, maybe it's better that I don't...

-Cheers!

Seasons Greetings

To everyone applicable:

Merry Christmas



Happy Chanuka



For everyone else:

Super Funtime Non-Denominational Winter Festivus Celebration Moment

Happy Holidays to all from Edge of the Lemon.

-Cheers!

DUDE!

You know when someone does something so asinine or says the wrong thing at the wrong time that you just can't believe your existence has led you to that moment?  When you just want to say "SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL?!"  In the 60's those people would have been called a "dip stick", in the 70's they were a "spaz", in the 80's an "airhead", 90's "fart knocker" (thanks to Beavis and Butthead!).  At the turn of the century it was just "WTF?" and now as we enter a new decade it seems to be a simple "DUDE!".

I remember the first time I was "DUDE-ed" by M.  We were missing a pair of clippers from the bathroom and she was convinced I had misplaced them somewhere.  Course, I knew it was all her wrongful doing so we basically spent weeks blaming each other for losing them.  One day, M nonchalantly lets me know that she found the clippers...right where I had left them.  Um, what?  Where I had left them?  Really?  And where was that exactly?  Apparently it was in one of my bags(?!).  I'm still not sure how it became my bag.  Inside was nail polish, emery boards, buffers, cuticle trimmers, and sure enough - our missing clippers.  Long story short, I asked M about 5 times whose bag it was.  She insisted each time that it was mine.  Okay, well seeing that I have no use for anything in the bag, I threw it in the trash.  And that's when I got hit with it..."DUDE! What the hell?"

That's right, boys and girls, my wife just "DUDE-ed" me...in our own home even...in front of the children!  Actually, I found it rather funny to hear something like that come out of M.  It's not that I didn't think she had it in her, it was just the perfect reaction to me acting like such a fart knocker.  Ever since then, we have become a family of "DUDE-ers".  We say it to each other all the time now. 


At the dinner table:

To enforce important life lessons:

When discussing the finer points of the English language:

Even little Adler has started in on the fun:

And of course, M still scolds me with it:

Such changes in our basic speech.  I can't help but wonder what is evolving faster:  technology or the English language.  Anyway, it is what it is.  The more you try to fight it, the more...uh, something...I forgot how the rest goes.

DUDE!  I mean, Cheers!

Even Steven...

Pretty sad when I'm making more appearances on Chris' blog than I am my own!  BUT he did have a very lovely commenter on his blog saying that by adding my input, his blog is better off...so I'm going to just roll with that comment and jump on here at any given time...it's the risk he takes when writing about me on here...it's like signing up to date Taylor Swift...I'll always get the last word and set the record straight...be it on this blog or my own =)

I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion on how my mind works...it's a sometimes confusing and intricate process to analyze...but here goes:

FIRST, it's not actually just about Chris' travel...that wouldn't be fair time wise on it's own (for how many nights he takes Adler, versus how many I have him)...it's also him being able to sleep in every weekend even after having 3 children.  He normally gets a good three, sometimes four hours on top of what I get because of my lovingly allowing him that extra slumber.  And actually, a handful of days during the work week, he sleeps in later than I do as well! 

SECOND, in addition to the extra sleep, Chris gets more sex than the average man (Or for all intensive purposes, his friends).  I recently held a sex poll at his friend's party...I tend to take sex polls from time to time to make sure we're keeping up with the Joneses...and as it turns out, we're apparently surpassing the Joneses! 

So score one for Team Collins...my husband may be slightly sleep deprived from time to time, but he certainly isn't sex deprived...so I think all is right in the world for now...

You can just call us Even Steven...

**Just so you know, even when Chris does travel, he offers to take Adler for even  more nights before he leaves...so don't be fooled into thinking he minds the 3 nights on, 1 night off...he's actually very inclined towards making me happy...and not just because life is better when the wife is happy...He genuinely is a good guy!