Witness Protection Program

It's that time again, yep, you guessed it - time for yet another post from that unknown blog - Edge of the Lemon!

First some updates:

Baby Alex is now four weeks old and doing fine.  He's a good sleeper and a good eater (and a stinky pooper).  His siblings are still helping out with him, but that interest is starting to dissipate rapidly.  He's definitely become one of the family, and it's only a matter of time before we give him some embarrassing nickname.

I'm still in a desperate search for a new show to watch.  I've tried a couple recently, but nothing has really grabbed my interested too much.  I have found myself re-watching Firefly on Netflix while I work out...otherwise, I'm still shopping around.

M recently tried to get me into the Big Bang Theory; however, her approach was a little questionable:

She's a big, silly goof isn't she folks?

Just because I know the difference between a rhombus and a Romulan, play video games and laugh at the humorous Lord of the Rings and sci-fi undertones doesn't make me a...oh my god - I'm such a nerd!  Well, there you have it, M was right once again...thanks a lot Universe.

Anyway, you might recall me mentioning that my friend, Jerry the Tool, loaned me the first season of Burn Notice.  The status update on me watching that one is that the DVDs have officially left the front seat of my car and are now somewhere in my house.  I remember putting them on my desk and I think I saw them in a drawer about a week ago...more to come!

Well alright...on with the post!

I recently had one of my direct reports from work forward me the strangest email.  To protect the innocent (and punish the guilty), I have masked this person's real name and have strategically called him Lason Jane:

Now Jason La...I mean, Lason Jane (see what I did there?) sent this email to me recently and thought I could use it in a blog post.  This was sent to Lason by a consultant working with him on a project, and this consultant is someone who has rarely spoken to Lason since the project first began.  I assure you, none of the contents of this email were altered in any way (I just made it more appealing for blogging purposes):

Now, I'd like to think I can give anyone the benefit of the doubt on things like this, but even I was a little thrown back by this email.  I kept thinking to myself:

For those of you wondering - no, I did NOT find this picture on the interweb...I made it!

***applause***

Also, show of hands from those of you who read that quote in Hank Hill's voice...anyone?

Anyway, I could not help but think of Lason and how he could possibly have become a part of the Witness Protection Program (WPP).  My initial thoughts went to the standard stuff - witnessed a mob hit, was a bookie for the mob, was a soldier in a mob war, turned in his mob boss because of unpaid parking tickets...something/anything to do with the mob (because in the movies that's the only reason people go into the WPP right?).

I then started to think of the kind of person Lason is and realized it probably had nothing to do with the mob...so I did some digging.  You would not believe the crazy stuff that this Lason Jane character has done in his life.  He's not in hiding because of the mob...he's in hiding because most of the world is after him (for one reason or another).

Here's why:

Early in his career, Lason started out as a mid-level product exec for the Coca-Cola company during the mid '80s.  This was Lason's million dollar idea:

That's right, Lason is responsible for the train wreck once known as The New Coke, which soon became Coke II.  Shortly after that, it was then repackaged and sold as a discount anti-freeze which was quickly taken off the market when cars began intentionally driving into trees and waking their owners up in the middle of the night to brutally beat the crap out of them.

After leaving Coca-Cola soon after that (for unrelated reasons), Lason joined the music industry.  It was his job to listen to unknown songs and determine which ones should be played on the radio and offered up to sell to the public:

That career lasted about a week...

Venturing not far from his role in the music industry, Lason then decided to become an agent and publicist (he got two pay checks that way).  His newness to the music scene and radical thinking sparked the interest of country music sensation, Garth Brooks (who had been struggling with his own career and needing something to do with that assload of money he had acquired by being a successful country music star).

Lason had the answer:

Let's take a quick pause from our story to explain something.  For those of you who did not catch the above joke, back in late 90's, Garth Brooks (pictured top left) created a fake persona known as Chris Gaines (pictured top right) who played more of the pop/alternative music of that era...why he did that, only Lason knows for sure.  The other picture is of magician Criss Angel who would go on to steal Chris Gaine's image and haircut.

So in summary:

Garth Brooks is Chris Gaines...

Criss Angel is Mindfreak...

Questions???

Moving on...

After his lucrative career in music, Lason decided to try the visual arts and become a studio exec for national television.  Lason's vision of the future was less plot / memorable characters / story lines / substance, and more REALITY!!!  That's right, it was Lason Jane who canceled Firefly, Arrested Development, Futurama (the first time) and Family Guy (the first time too)...along with all of your other favorite shows that are no longer on the air.  It's all Lason's doing!  Instead, Lason decided to pollute the airwaves by rehashing the same craptacular formula into spinoff after spinoff.

Some of Lason's more popular projects included the following:

And of course, the ever popular:

So after conquering marketing, music and TV, there was only one place left to go - movies.  But along with the other areas of Lason's career, that too was short-lived:

And so ended Lason's career in the movie industry.

After so much angst and hatred of the world towards one person, Lason decided to go into hiding.  He has since joined the humbled ranks of a project team tasked with implementing new clients into their pharmacy benefits.  From a promising career to public enemy #1, Lason has truly experienced it all.  But through it all, Lason has kept his head held high and his whereabouts unknown.  I for one salute Lason for his actions, for without him, I would never know pain, bad ideas, or the meaning of the word idiolect.

So if you ever happen to meet Lason in your path through life, thank him for a job done poorly.  After all, someone has to take the fall for all those bad ideas right?

In closing, I leave you with something I found on the wild, wild web.  I know we (just like Lason) all wish there was always going to be a backup plan:

May you all reach for that furthest star, and be ready to jump to a backup plan when you fail miserably.

-Cheers!

Water Slide Victory?

Of all the people I have met and all the crazy/stupid stuff that I have done in my life, I discovered that I have tried the hardest to impress my kids.  From juggling oranges, catching random food in my mouth and learning their favorite songs on the guitar, I will stop at nothing to try and earn a smile or a laugh or even a small round of applause.  I believe that this is really what separates moms from dads:  moms will be a kid's mom no matter what, but a dad doesn't have that same bond with their kids and we have to constantly work at it to earn the same love a mother gets for free.

Just think about it...what do people say when they're on TV?  They say, "Hi Mom!"  If they acknowledge their dad on TV, it's usually followed up with, "...send money!"  It's the same with injuries, "I want my Mommy!"  Which is then typically followed by, "Daddy said it was okay to do it..."

M and I sometimes take our kids to our local health club to take advantage of their weekly "Family Swim" nights, and their pool just so happens to have a water slide:





One night, the kids wanted so desperately for their dad to go down this slide.  So much in fact, that Ash was willing to go down with me.  The thing is, Ash isn't the best swimmer.  In fact, he's not much of a swimmer at all.  He tends to rely on his floaties to get him from one end of the pool to the other and he doesn't dare put his head underwater without his mask on.  See where I'm going with all of this?  Great scenario for a water slide right?

So knowing the lifeguards would more than likely not allow Ash on the slide with all of his attachments, I decided to take him to the top so he could find out for himself (if it was M, he would have just believed her without the need for proof).

So there ends the short lived desire for Ash to go down the water slide.  That is when the focus quickly shifted to Dad just going down by himself (thanks M).  Knowing this would make my kids happy, it wasn't hard to coax me to do it.  When I reached the top of the slide, I remember the lifeguard telling me to go down the right side, "Dude, trust me, it's like way faster!"  OK, dude, whatever.

Going down the slide, it wasn't hard to remember my training from back when I used to compete semi-professionally in the National Water Slide League (NWSL).  If you lift your legs and arch your back, you can get some wicked air coming out of the pipe (the judges usually look for that and score accordingly).



***The judge from Japan was always a tough scorer

Needless to say, I had built up some pretty good speed by the time I hit the bottom of the slide, and with my legs raised and back arched, I skimmed across the water before diving like a torpedo straight to the bottom.

At this point, a lot of things were going through my head.  The biggest was the "realistic" expectation of what was going to happen next.  Knowing I had just nailed a sweet/sick run down the slide, I imagined myself emerging from the water victorious like some mythical hero:



And of course, the fanfare from my adoring legion of followers would have erupted in a deafening cry of pure emotion:

But the actual experience didn't exactly happen as I had imagined it.  As I hit the water and skimmed across the top of it, I managed to acquire one of the worst wedgies of my adult life.  While I was feeling my swim trucks being pushed (with resistance) into my spleen, I forgot to close my eyes all the way.  So as my head began to submerge at that speed, my eyelids flipped inside out and I felt like that creepy kid on the school bus that used to weird us all out by showing us that trick.  With my eyes getting a good wash of heavily chlorinated water and my trunks now a permanent part of my lower intestine, I miscalculated the distance between me and the surface of the water, causing me to take in a deep breath of not air, but more heavily chlorinated water.

To say my final victory pose was less than stellar would be an understatement:

The worst part of this entire experience was looking over to see my kids.  M and Adler weren't even paying attention, so they never caught my historic jaunt down the water slide.  Ayris and Ash, however, caught the entire escapade and it scared the living hell out of them:

So here I was, just trying to be a dad and show off for my kids.  When in all actuality, all I did was scar them for life knowing that one of their first memories of a water slide nearly killed their dad.

What started out as this:

Something they might one day want to try themselves, turned into this:

Which to this day they have never made mention of that slide ever since that fateful trek made by their crazy/stupid dad.  So in closing, dad's will always have to risk their lives/pride to perform for their kids.  It's in our nature, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, to Greg and Sarah who are expecting their first baby in March, I leave you with my favorite memory from your wedding:

Greg, may you always have the courage to play the fool for your kid(s), and Sarah, may you always love him for it.

-Cheers!

1) Nothing wrong with me 2) Nothing wrong with me 3) Nothing wrong with me 4) Nothing...

Well, it's been a crazy late September / early October for all of us in the Lemon Family.  Ash celebrated his 4th birthday in the emergency room with a bad case of the croup.  For those of you that don't know about Ash, he's had respiratory issues in the past (he had his own nebulizer before he was 1) so we didn't want to take any chances.  I came home late from the airport that night long enough to hear his shallow breathing and say hello to M and the kids, before taking Ash in.  Scary stuff for a parent, but the staff at the hospital were very good to him and he liked all the attention.  He gave everyone a hug on his way out and they even let him do rock hands when they took his x-ray.

Another huge update to share with everyone (in case you're not following us on Facebook) is that M gave birth to a 9lb 8oz baby boy - Alexander Nolan:

Mommy and Alex (M has started calling him Lexy) are both doing well.

Alex arrived a little earlier than expected.  I was still in St Louis for work when I got the call at 2:30am from M letting me know that she was in the hospital.  Maybe it was the early morning hour or maybe it was because none of our other children ever arrived on time, but I remember me asking M if everything was okay and why she was there (derp de-derp).  "Uh, I'm in labor.  The baby's coming.  Get your ass home."  Oh...right!  Long story short, I caught the first flight of the day back to Minneapolis and managed to get there in time to watch a few hours of daytime TV in the Labor and Delivery wing of Fairview Ridges Hospital before Alex finally showed up a little after 1:00 that afternoon.  YAY!

One of my favorite moments of those first few days with Alex and M in the hospital was when the kids got to meet their new, baby brother for the first time:

If you look closely, you can sort of see a face mask on Ash.  Poor kid had to wear this during his visits so he wouldn't get Alex or anyone else sick (remember the croup story?).  Unfortunately, the mask did nothing to stop the sickness and we all came down with colds immediately after this picture was taken.  It hit M and the kids first and then me.  I just now am starting to feel like the worst of it is behind me.

Anyway, that's been our updates for the past few weeks.  Thanks to everyone for the gifts, cards, phone calls, emails and overall well wishes over the past week or so.  For those of you still interested in sending a little something but not sure what to get us, we are registered at Target, Babies r Us and BMW of Bloomington.

Now, on with the post:

I sometimes tend to think I'm not all I can be, and that something is wrong with me.  Growing up, I had to be "that guy" who knew everything about anything and was doing it before "it was cool".  I'm starting to realize those days are over.  I was in the car the other day when I thought I saw a cop in front of me.  After slowing down and checking my seat belt, I realized it wasn't a cop at all but some hipster with an old school luggage rack on the roof of his 2005 Jetta.

I then started to think about the things in my life I have become resistant to.  At my work, we have phone extensions, voice mails, conference lines, smart phones, emails and instant messengers.  If someone is looking for you, they WILL find you. 

The problem, however, is when these things get in the way of each other and become counter-productive:

Even in my personal life, this whole "social networking" can be a little overwhelming:

As I was sketching this out, I came up with an alternative version (which just so happens to also be true):

But it doesn't end there.  I'm constantly being bombarded to join other sites just so I can see what other people are thinking throughout the day:

I used to love watching TV.  I had lots of different types of shows that I would watch throughout the week to help keep me educated on current events, opinionated on public affairs and entertained to no end.  Now that I have kids, my DVR is permanently stuck between the channels of 287 and 305 (PBS Kids, Cartoon Network, Disney, Nickelodeon, and Boomerang).  So while people discuss the goings on of Snookie, the skinny girl getting voted off and who sang/danced the worst, I have a different story to tell.

Here is my list of major television events for 2011 (so far):

• Castle told Becket he loves her (thanks M and Nik)
• Sam finally told Freddy she likes him and they kiss (Ayris loves iCarly)
• Scooby and the gang are going to solve that mystery (which I am reminded of daily by Ash)
• Yo Gabba Gabba still freaks me out sometimes (Adler seems to be okay with it though)
• Dora and Boots still have yet to do what I keep hoping they will do* (see below for more details - parental discretion is advised)
• Finally some new episodes of Robot Chicken (though not as many as I had hoped)
• And of course, M still has a crush on House

For that last one, I'm still a little puzzled by that.  Sure, he's got a winning personality, is very handsome, is addicted to pain killers and spends all of his money on hookers, but what is it about him really?  His intelligence?

Every time M mentions House, I show her this picture:

Anyone who looks like this can't be too bright...right honey?

So there you have it.  Another series of random thoughts and tangents barely tied to together by a little imaginary word called "reason".

Before we end this post, I'd like to leave you with a picture I found on the interweb recently.  I can't say this is me, but I have to admit that it makes me laugh every time I see it:

Hope you find as much humor in it as I do...

-Cheers!



*If you've ever seen Dora the Explorer (still doesn't fricken rhyme!), at the end of each show, Dora asks the viewers what was their favorite part of the adventure.  My typical response lately (since I'm having a hard time continuing to watch this show after five long and painful years) has been, "My favorite part was when Boots went on a killing spree!"

Go Grappa!

Hello all, here we are once again with another fun episode from the Lemon.  Before jumping into the post, how about some updates? 

M is still pregnant...very pregnant...any day now.

My standoff with Words with Friends has come to an unfortunate end.  I logged in tonight to get an official count of days on strike, when I discovered I somehow managed to resign from my game with M.  I'm sure this was all her doing, so in retaliation, I have provided a picture of her swollen feet at the bottom of this blog.

I recently downloaded the Army of Darkness game from the iTunes store.  As a fan of the Evil Dead series (I named my son Ash!), I couldn't resist and it turned out to be a pretty good game.  The problem now is that I am itching to re-watch the movies, but I no longer own any copies.  I lost them in a break-up years ago and never managed to replace them.  Incidentally, screaming at the Netflix logo on your TV screen does not magically add movies to your downloadable library...trust me on this one.

Now on with the show:

For those of you who don't know me very well, I have been spending a lot of time in New York City due to a project for work.  I basically have been living out there 10-15 days out of the month since early June.  It's been a good experience so far and I've found some great places and restaurants.  One of my favorite places to eat is Ancora - an Italian fine dining establishment that makes it's own grappa.

For those of you not familiar with grappa, it's basically Italian moonshine.  Imagine taking all the stuff leftover from wine making such as skins, pulp, seeds and stems and fermenting it into it's own alcoholic beverage.  It's typically 35 - 60% alcohol and can also make a viable alternative for jet fuel.  As an alcohol drinker, I don't like to back away from a challenge, so I continue to order an after dinner snifter of grappa each time I dine at Ancora.

Folks, I have come to the same conclusion each and every time - I do not like grappa.  In fact, for your blogging pleasure, I have come up with a list of things I would rather do than drink another snifter of grappa. 

In addition, I would also like to introduce you to Cara:

Cara has been asking for a while now to include her into Edge of the Lemon, so she is going to demonstrate for all of you the alternative activities I would rather do than drink a snifter of grappa.

I would rather wear a beard of bees than drink a snifter of grappa:

I would rather train attack dogs than drink a snifter of grappa:

As I was creating these cartoons, Ash asked me what I was doing.  He came up with one of his own:

Lastly, I would rather be the practice target for the redundantly named Flaming Knives of Fire act than drink a snifter of grappa:

Oh well, I guess that's the end of our post this time.  Special thanks to Cara for being such a good sport about this.  Hopefully, we can invite her back in the future and finish our redundantly named Flaming Knives of Fire act.

If not, there are other options:

And as promised, in retaliation for M's rouse and blatant cheating, here is a recent picture I took on my phone of her swollen feet:

Also, for some reason, my last post did not resonate with some of our readers as I have received at least 10 friend requests to play Words with Friends.  Do you people actually read this stuff or just look at the pictures?  Let's find out:  I think people should be allowed to worship false overlords...discuss.

HAIL BRAIN SLUGS!

-Cheers!

Goatsex, Buttsex and Queso...OH MY!

Okay, so I can't find time to write on my own blog these days...but I felt it was time to hijack C's once again...just to set the record straight...

First off, I will have you know...that Words with Friends did not allow me to play the words goatsex and buttsex...and I happen to believe these are two very feasible things...otherwise we wouldn't have a bunch of goats running around...and...well, I'm sure you can figure out the buttsex part on your own...NONE THE LESS, I was irate when I couldn't play those words and Chris had no sympathy for me.  Fast forward to like FOUR WHOLE DAYS AGO...when Chris made his last WWF move...

He comes into the bedroom and is all "What the f*ck is POH?"...and I'm all, "I have no idea, but I got points for playing it, so that's all that matters..."...Chris then tells me that I'm a cheater and leaves all in a huff.  THEN the Queso thing happens and he has refused to play the game since! 

I should also add that I'm kicking his *ss...and I think that's what the REAL problem is...he beat me the first time around (had to let him win one...) but in this particular game, I'm 215 to his 142...and this, people, is why we are at a standstill.  He says I am the competitive one...and this is definitely true...but at least I'm not stubborn.  Actually, I'm stubborn too...but I'd never just leave a game standing...he won't even resign it!

***And just so we're clear dear heart...if you don't play a word soon, you're gonna look like C-Daddy Pimpin' in the last frame of your cartoon...NO JOKE.  B*tch ain't playin'....this is serious stuff...and I've already waited four days!  My patience thresh hold is wearing thin at this point...

BTW, when I just did spell-check...goatsex, buttsex and queso weren't considered words???  WTF spell-check...I think Chris and I will be writing some letters to the spell-check board and WWF's this weekend...right after we finish our game.

BAM, I just added goatsex, buttsex and queso to spell-check on here...so Chris, going forward, feel free to use those words freely...

The rise (and fall) of C Daddy Pimpin

Here we are again with another post, but first some updates:

I have finally finished watching Arrested Development and am in dire need of another show to watch.  My friend Jerry has loaned me the first season of Burn Notice, but I haven't managed to watch any of it yet...stay tuned.

M and I have recently become addicted to Words with Friends (basically it's Scrabble online)...well actually M is addicted, I just started playing.  I have decided to stage an anti-Words with Friends protest as I disagree with the current rules of the game.  I am currently in a life or death struggle in a game with M with such great letters as Q, E, E, O, S, I, A.  I came up with a way to take a triple word score which would put me significantly in the lead.  The problem?  The stupid game does not recognize "QUESO" as a fricken word!  Now, I know what you're going to say:  "But that's Spanish, not English".  Screw that!  "BAGUETTE" is French and that works...your argument is invalid.  So until the simple minded developers recognize the error of their ways, I refuse to take my turn, leaving M stuck with an open game that's been stagnant for the last several days.  Some may call me a hero, some may call me a big, whining baby...history will be the judge.

So on with the new post:  M recently had a Facebook exchange with Karen (one of my direct reports from work).  In the post, M referred to me as a pimp and that I should be more grateful that I have such great people at work and at home that put up with me and help make me look good.  M later told me that I needed to create a post about how I can be such a pimp.  While I doubt this is what she had intended, I decided to create a new persona and act like a pimp for a day.  I once saw a documentary on pimping in America titled:  Pimpin in America.  Armed with a few quotes and tips from the documentary, I created my outfit and set out to impress my wife with my new "pimpin skillz".

Folks, meet C Daddy Pimpin:

So there you have it:  the rise (and fall) of C Daddy Pimpin.  I doubt we will ever see him again...but then again, stranger things have happened.

-Cheers!

Disclaimer:  While this blog post was made in jest, I by no means support the degradation of women or the pimping culture.  I also believe we are all created equal until proven stupid (man, woman, or other)...no one is safe!  ***In hindsight, I probably should have put this disclaimer first before anyone had a chance to read the post and potentially get pissed off.

Disclaimer to the disclaimer:  In addition to the above, I DO support the painful beating of annoying people...even if it's with their own pimp cane.

Disclaimer to the disclaimer's disclaimer: In addition to the above and the one above that, I also believe that the online game, Words with Friends, is unfair to the plight of my struggle with a very competitive wife.  I believe the developers need to spend the next 6 weeks in a Taco Bueno until they realize QUESO is a word and acknowledge the error of their ways...again, history will be the judge.