Random Thoughts

I'm going to try something different this time.  Since I don't have one long story or a bunch of quickie cartoons to offer, I wanted to share some of my thoughts/opinions with all of you regarding current events and recent happenings in my life.

Responding to the responses:
I like it when people leave comments to posts...it lets me know that someone out there is actually reading this stuff.  Anyway, it's been a while since I've responded to the responses so I thought I'd take this opportunity to do so to some of the more recent comments.

Jason:  I'm not a word smart guy, thanks for keeping me honest!  I also can't math...can you help with that?
Jim:  I don't get it either...
Greg:  Yes, I did neglect to mention that the Make Fun of Chris "prizes" were my pee cups.  Also, if you ever do decided to see "Two cups, one Chris", be sure to capture your reaction on video and post it all over the interweb.
Regular Cinderella:  That x-ray story sounds horrifying!  Ironically, I asked for a copy of my x-ray that shows my new hip so I could post it on the blog; however, after looking at it, I noticed that it was showing more than I was willing to share with the readers.  I remember the conversation I had in my head when I first saw the x-ray:  "Sweet, there's an uncomfortable chunk of metal where my bone used to be...and what is that?  Oh crap, that's where M's babies come from.  Well sh*t..." 

Welcome to Rapture, population: you
So I trust that everyone survived Rapture 2.0.  Seriously, how many times is this guy going to predict the end of the world before people stop listening?  I don't care about your deities or if your prophet is Jesus, Muhammed, Colonel Sanders or Uncle Buckey.  People need to learn to think for themselves and stop following random crackpots that spout misinterpreted scripture or flash their "I'm educated" badge.  People are so desperate for salvation that they will follow anyone who tells them they can have it.  Sorry folks, you have to earn it the old fashion way just like the rest of us.

Wolf Blitzer is an idiot
That's right, I said it.  Don't bother telling me I'm wrong here, I don't care.  The reason behind my opinion of this "journalist" revolves around his "coverage" of the Osama bin Laden Death Mission.  Picture this if you will, the president has just announced Osama bin Laden's death and students all across the country walk the streets in celebration.  The next day, the reports start flying in from all over.  Mr Blitzer has a live feed with a correspondent on the ground with the recap of the actual mission.  As the correspondent finishes his report, he mentions that one of the helicopters used to fly the mission had mechanical problems and had to be destroyed prior to the evacuation.

Now remember, this is the first time the world is given this level of detail regarding what went down and this guy probably knows more about this than most civilians and non-military personnel across the globe.  So of course, the Wolfster asks the one question that was on every one's mind at the time:

"Do you know if they used a Black Hawk helicopter?"

Once again, Wolf Blitzer is an idiot.

Orlando Ho!
M and I recently took the kids to Orlando for a mini-vacation and some time away from the fabulous Minnesota weather.  They had a good time and we were able to do quite a bit over the long weekend.  One of the more memorable stops (and the original reason for going) was Sea World.  We saw the dolphin show, the sea lion/otter show and of course the killer whale show.  Several years ago, M and I were in Orlando for a work function so we took a detour and hit up Sea World on that trip as well (what else is there to do in Orlando right?).  Interestingly (J - is that a word?), the shows were the exact same the second time except for the killer whale show.  The first time, trainers were swimming in the water with the whales, riding them and frolicking playfully.  The second time, the whales had the pool to themselves, there were guard rails up all over the place and not one trainer made it any further than the wading pool at the front of the theater.  Why?  Because Tilikum was back in the show.  You remember Tilikum don't you?  The bull orca that that has killed three people and injured several others?  THAT Tilikum? 

Since I last saw him , I noticed he's had some new ink done:

I know, this picture is in poor taste and I probably deserve the bad karma heading my way, but still - WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?!?!  I can understand the decision to leave Tilikum alone (he is the only male and has fathered like 15 offspring), but why in Pazuzu's flaming omelet of hellfire would they ever let him back in the show?!  Folks, the name says it all - this is a killer whale.  No, they did not run out of words when they were naming this species.  He's not a huggy-time whale or a rainbow-farting whale.  He is a f#&*ing KILLER whale people!  The more we make mistakes, the more we are destined to repeat them.

In a lighter story, we also spent a day at Aquatica which is a giant water park.  Now I haven't been to a water park in years, but this place was cool!  After a day of water rides, roasting in the 100 degree sun and burning our feet on the scorched earth they call walking paths, the kids and I decided to head back to the hotel to spend some time outside by the pool.  After dropping off M at the room, the kids jumped into the water and I started to self-medicate with a healthy dose of margaritas from the bar.

Now we stayed at a Hilton resort which goes all out for their guests.  Not only do their security guards guard security, but they also double as music DJs.  That's right, you read that right, a security guard dressed in uniform was spinning tunes for the folks hanging out in the pool area.  For those of you who don't know me, I used to be a DJ back when I was in college mostly doing school dances, weddings and the occasional dorm or frat party (don't call them frats...we don't like that (ATO-vtl)). 

It was nice to see that some of the old tricks were still being used today including the Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing) medley.  For those of you who don't know that one, it's a 14 minute song that keeps the same simple drum beat but plays riffs from a bunch of songs from the big band era and the early days of rock n' roll.  Imagine Little Brown Jug mashed together with Chubby Checker's Twist and his follow-up hit Twist Again.  Throw in some Benny Goodman and early Elvis along with countless other songs and you have one of the music DJ's best friends:  it's fast, it gets people dancing and it's long in case you have to go pee.

This song was then followed by We Like to Party! by Vengabus (it's a guilty pleasure song, admit it) which was then followed by some trivia (1,422 rooms at the Hilton Grand Vacations) and then a repeat of Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing) which then made way for We Like to Party! yet again.  By this point, I was thoroughly disappointed in "Security Guard DJ" and knew it was only a matter of time before everyone started doing the YMCA...which was of course the next fricken song.

By this point, I had done a good job of self-medicating myself, and knowing we had an early flight home in the morning, I was looking for an excuse to leave:

Overall, it was a great trip.  We got to spend time together as a family and get away from the real world commonly known as "life".

So that's about it for this section of random thoughts.  There's more here than I thought there would be.  Hopefully you all were able to make it through all of this blatherskite.  M already went to bed, so I guess that should tell me something.  Until next time, I leave you with this final thought:  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a killer whale.

Oh, and Wolf Blitzer is an idiot.

-Cheers!

Mike Wheeler vs The World

Ever since my post about Occam's Razor, people have been commenting about how they loved seeing Mike Wheeler in a post.  What surprised me most was the fact that everyone seemed to actually know him.  Wheeler once said that he knew everybody, but I just thought he was trying to impress the folks at Waffle House so I dismissed it.

Then I started to see the truth one day when we went to lunch:

And started taking note of all the subtle hints around me:

But it couldn't be true, could it?  I still had my doubts:

But he was everywhere I looked.  Seriously, how in the hell was he doing all of this?

I decided to put it to the ultimate test:  I would take him to Rome to meet the Pope.  If Wheeler was known all the way over in Vatican City, I would truly be convinced...maybe.

Once we arrived, there was a swarm of people and I lost Wheeler in the crowd almost immediately.  I searched everywhere, but I could not find him at all.  Suddenly, out walks the  Pope and guess who is with him:

Unbelievable!  How in the world can this possibly be happening?  At that moment, I started thinking of the cunning prankster that is Mike Wheeler, and I realized this was some elaborate hoax on my behalf.  There was no way everyone actually knew Mike Wheeler.

Until someone in front of me made the following comment:

My friend Jerry says, "Chris likes to spin a yarn."  M says that I like to embellish when I tell stories.  I still have no idea what they are talking about...

-Cheers!

Playtime is over...and some winners

Greetings!  As the title of this post hints, yes, playtime is officially over for me.  I have returned back to work full time and my travel schedule is back to "vagabond status".  "Playtime" may be a bad choice of terms because I would not actually consider my time off as "play".  I did enjoy working from home and spending more time with M and the kids, but considering the circumstances, we were all a little challenged and stressed throughout the entire ordeal.

As I mentioned, my travel schedule has once again kicked into high gear.  Most recently, I have been to St. Louis, Bloomington (Illinois) and New York City all within a span of about 10 days.  With a new (metallic) implant, I have been preparing for this:  allowing more time to get through security, the beeping of the metal detectors, the flashing of my implant card to show TSA that they can't keep telling me to "just go through again", and of course, the inevitable pat down search.

In addition to preparing, I was also strategically planning my security lines at the MSP and STL airports (trip #1).  There are certain checkpoints that use the newer body scanners over the old school metal detectors.  These machines scan the exterior of your body only, making life for people like me a little easier.  Unfortunately, this process also takes longer and it seems that the 15 people going through before me need to be told what to expect and then make sure they are comfortable with what the TSA is going to see on their screens post-scan:

Some people disagree with this new method.  They will complain that it invades their privacy or is too revealing or whatever.  Me?  I don't care.  Maybe my modesty isn't up to par with some of the larger prudes out there, but I have no problem going through something like this at an airport.  In fact, I would proudly walk through the airport naked if it meant that we were all reassured that some deranged fanatic wasn't trying to use an airplane as a terrorist weapon and killing hundreds of people in the process.  Sorry gang, we live in a time where people just can't be trusted...not even you.  So everyone either needs to learn to accept the circumstances of history's actions or grow a pair of wings and learn to fly (sorry, ranting...I'm back now).

My second trip went a little smoother, but it was unexpected and a little concerning.  I was not as much of a planner with my trip to Illinois so I ended up going through a checkpoint that didn't offer the full body scan.  When I made it up to the front of the line, I had my implant card ready and I went through the metal detector.  Strangest thing was that once I went through, nothing else happened - no beeps, no flashing lights, no TSA minions in riot gear asking me to step out of line, nothing! 

To say I was surprised is an understatement:

I thought the machine was broken or something.  I knew coming back, it could be a different story, but again, I went through the detectors without even a blip.  I then thought to myself that the whole process is a scam and that the TSA had us all convinced they were providing us a crucial service like seat fillers at the Oscars or dinosaur insurance or an extended warranty.  Those thoughts were quickly thwarted when my traveling companion went through and her necklace forced her to remove all her jewelry and go through again.  I felt a little better about the situation, but I still wondered how metal jewelry is bad, but a metal implant hidden inside the body is okie dokie (to be fair, this necklace appeared to be made of ball bearings).

The most interesting of all trips was the one to New York City.  At this point, I was no longer confused, but confident that I had this all figured out.  THAT is when the stupid f#$%ing metal detector caught me.  So without much delay, I was ushered to the back of the security area where I met a pleasant gentleman by the name of Gary who introduced himself to me (I guess it's a courtesy since we're about to become pretty "close" friends) and told me to turn and face the wall. 

The pat down lasted no more than a few minutes, but when I was done, I felt like Bruce Willis from Blind Date:

And of course, flying out of LaGuardia airport, I received the same "personal" level of attention on my way home.  Fortunately, I was able to upgrade to First Class on both the trip there and the trip home so I was helping myself to the complimentary, alcoholic beverages offered .

Overall I'd say I learned a lot during the past few trips.  I can't say that I am any closer to cracking the code that is TSA security, but I can at least now say that I have experienced new situations and met some interesting (and VERY friendly) people along the way.

Moving on, I wanted to share with all of you the winners of the Make Fun of Chris contest.  The entries were in high quantities and strategically hilarious (most anyway).  But with every contest, you need to have winners, so congrats go to both Jerry and Greg for their winning entries:

Jerry:  Just because you got your Iron Man starter kit doesn't mean you are that cool ya know.
Greg:  Six million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. He only gets one "na" when jumping.

The selection process was a difficult task for our judges, but in the end, they came to a consensus of who truly deserved the honor of successfully making fun of me:

Due to public demand, a small, private awards ceremony was already held in an undisclosed location where both winners took home some fabulous prizes:

***Note:  Both gifts were immediately thrown away following the taking of this picture.  I guess they didn't see the humor in my response to people openly making fun of me.  I guess I'll just buy them lunch at Dickie's instead.

-Cheers!

Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars

In a world full of energy drinks and power bars, flavored gourmet coffee of all shapes and sizes, and the common fast paced life that would even make an over achieving humming bird scream "SLOW THE @#$% DOWN!", I can't help but wonder how we ever mange to not only find time to sleep, but bring our bodies down to a "jitter level" low enough to even let it happen (run on sentence, I know...I don't care). 

Now don't get me wrong, I can slam an energy drink faster than anyone, which is usually followed by my morning Clif Bar, and that typically makes way for my 9am coffee run downstairs with Wheeler.  The rest of the day is spent drinking Guy Diet and sucking on coffee beans or chewing on a ginseng root (not really...maybe).  Our jobs require us to "do more with less", technology insists we always stay connected and all of our personal hamster wheels have been greased well enough to handle a total workout in less than 37 seconds a day.  We have trained our bodies to be in constant overdrive mode and that kind of mentality is hard to break.  For 18+ plus hours a day, we tell our bodies "no you can't slow down" when we need to be saying "you probably should".

Folks, I have the answer!  Introducing Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars:

 That's right, Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars are not only designed to help your body relax, but they are guaranteed to, at minimum, put you to sleep or your money back (results may vary).  Most "other bars" out there try to lure you in with "endorphin triggers" such as fruits, nuts and dark chocolate.  But what they don't tell you is while your endorphin levels may rise to help you relax, these ingredients also hit you with a shot of energy, protein and caffeine.  This confuses your body into slowing down and speeding at the same time.  And that my friends is sometimes referred to as a "speedball", which is what killed John Belushi (Legal Note:  Belushi's speedball was a combo of cocaine and heroin and in no way an actual dietary supplement implied in this advertisement).

Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars uses a combination of today's most popular sedatives, muscle relaxants and pain relievers such as carisoprodol and morphine.  In fact, we promise at least one piece of Valium in every bite!  We also added all natural tryptophan (which is found in Thanksgiving turkey) and offer delicious nap inducing flavors such as Bisquits n' Gravy, Leftover Fried Chicken, Mammoth Burger, All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet, and the ever popular Bacon!

Just listen to what others have to say about Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars:

*NOTE:  Typo was intentional...I thought it would be funnier than it actually turned out.  Sorry.

*NOTE:  Our photographer unfortunately ate an Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bar during the photo shoot and was not able to hold the camera steady.  Since we were being charged by the hour, we decided to just let it go.

And here's a lucky person who just polished off one of our new Jumbo Size:

Don't worry folks, he's fine...he's just sleeping...yeah, "sleeping".  He looks so peaceful doesn't he?

Manufacturer Warning - After eating an Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bar, please consider the following:

• Do NOT attempt to use heavy machinery
• Do NOT attempt to operate motorized vehicles
• Do NOT attempt to talk

If you find yourself feeling like you "can't eat just one", you may be having an addiction or a negative reaction to something else other than Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars.  If problem persists for more than 10 days, please contact your local detox or rehab center and tell them Uncle Buckey says "hiya".  We'll be waiting for you when you get out.

Oh, and stop calling us asking for more free samples.

-Cheers!

The Dope Show

The first few days after my surgery, I spent most of my time sleeping due to my narcotic cocktail of morphine, oxycodone and vicodin.  In those not so lucid moments between dreams, I would stare at the world around me and realize just how amazing the simple things in life can be...and how I couldn't stop thinking about how messed up everything looked.

A couple of side notes:  1)  I never thought I would ever use lyrics from a Marilyn Manson song in one of my posts, but it just seemed to fit .  2)  I also need to give credit to Ayris who, at the age of five, can already take better pictures than her dad.

Also, alternate post title #2:  How I Spent My Spring Break by Chris

-Cheers!

"Make Fun of Chris" Contest!

Greetings!  So as you may have noticed, I just put up a post and here we are a few days later with yet another one.  Well thanks to Mike Wheeler and my new direction (Occam's Razor), I will try to keep my posts shorter in an attempt to keep the new material coming more often.  I hope that this one is a fun one for all of you as I'm offering a contest prize for the person with the best response. 

For those of you that don't know me very well, I can be a smart ass...a total, raging smart ass.  I have a lot of people in my life that also like to give me as much crap as I like to give them.  So here is your chance to get in a funny jab at my expense.  Some of you have already made some pretty funny comments about my current situation with the whole hip thing, so I though I'd start a collection.

Now please keep it respectful.  While I can take some humor at my expense, my fragile self-esteem will not be able to handle a full assault of my overall being...so let's be nice please.

Here are two examples of what not to say:

Yeah, not funny and more than likely not going to go over well here.

But, I do have examples of some of the comments / jokes already made:

• Pinkerton started calling me HIPpie (which is hilarious if anyone remembers me from my actual hippie days)
• Tami said "...it's a pain in the hip"
• Because of my hideous scar, Nik asked if she can start calling me "Zipper"  (Dear Nik - Only if you don't expect me to respond)
• When Greg saw the picture of Adler and me with my cane, he said we looked like the pimp versions of Dr Evil and Mini Me
• Karen sent me a pretty funny text one night:

(***Anyone else find it odd that they do the "One-Hip Hokey Pokey" at fish frys these days?)

• And of course my favorite (and front runner) so far, Jason L sent me a link to The Scooter Store.  After I was done laughing, I fired up Photoshop and sent him a version of my own:

Jason said I look good.  Cara said she was going to print a copy to hang in her cube and blackmail me.  Both were appropriate responses.

So there you go, feel free to leave your best comments.  I'll be checking throughout the week and then submit the top 5 (assuming I actually get that many) to a preselected panel of judges for the final decision of who is the winner.

Also, in addition to this just being an exciting opportunity to take a jab at my expense (Ryan, I hope you're paying attention), the winner will receive a special prize along with an award ceremony to be captured on a future edition of the Lemon.

Good luck to you all...

-Cheers!

The leg bone is connected to the...something?

And here we are with yet another exciting post from the land of the Lemon.  I apologize again for a delay in the posts; however, I have cooked up a good excuse this time!  As most of you may know, I recently went under the knife and had my hip replaced.  The formal procedure is called a “total joint replacement”.  Basically, I now have a shiny, new ball and socket hip joint on the right side of my body made up of titanium and ceramics (yes, it sure will be fun going through airport security the rest of my life).

Anyway, I went into work for the first time since my surgery to have lunch with some coworkers and make sure my key still unlocked my office door (I thought for sure it would have turned into a break room or Wheeler would have taken it over or some third thing).  While I was there, Cara reminded me that I should be posting more on my blog since I haven’t been at work.  Well, that would have been a challenge the first few weeks since I was either sleeping or heavily medicated.  I wrote down a bunch of ideas and have no idea what they mean whatsoever.  So instead of trying to interpret my drug induced ramblings, I decided to stick with what I know best which is…um, I have no idea, but it sure as hell isn’t narcotic related.

I’ve had a lot of people asking questions about what happened during the actual procedure, but then they cringe when I start talking about dislocating my hip, bone saws and staples.  So I’ve decided to tell you the entire story of what happens, but in a nicer, friendlier way that hopefully won’t be as cringe-worthy as the actual (uncensored) process.  In this version, I’m going to pretend that you, the readers, are all 5 years old:

 

Well it all starts with the surgeon using a nice, sharp “feather” to “tickle” my leg open.  He will continue to “tickle” my leg and shift muscle around until he can find my bone:

Now, I know what you’re thinking – how can I take such “tickling” without the urgent need to “laugh hysterically”?  Well that, boys and girls, is a great question!  I can take this intense “tickle” because a “funny man” put a needle in the base of my spine which makes me lose feeling from my waist down.  To be extra careful, he also puts a “tickle blocker” (read: nerve blocker) into my leg to also make sure I don’t feel anything from deep within my leg.  Even after all that, they also add lots of “happy juice” into a tube in my arm to make sure I fall asleep.  Even though I may wake up and hear certain “goings on” during the replacement process, this “happy arm juice” will make sure I have no memory of it…aren’t science and chemicals fun kids?

One more thing to add about  all of these fun things sticking/hanging out of me:  they also add another long tube into my leg to help me drain and catch all the access “gummy bears” that will be encountered during the process (NOTE:  We’ve secretly replaced Chris’ blood with “gummy bears”…let’s see if they notice).  This bag will go home with me and I will be responsible for emptying it for several days until it needs to be taken out (I call it “Mr. Thirsty”).

Anyway, on with the story…are you still with me kids?  Because now is where it gets really exciting!  So once I’m asleep, feeling nothing and fully “tickled”, it’s time to separate Mr. Femur from The Happy Pelvis.  Now keep in mind, these two bones are meant to be together forever and they never want to be split from each other…EVER!  So it’s going to take a lot of “persuasion” to get these two lifelong BFFs away from each other.  You know how when your parents want you to do something you don’t want to do like clean your room or get a booster shot or chop off your arm?  Well they will try just about anything to get you to do it including lots of candy, later bedtimes and all the television you can watch, right?  Well that’s sort of what the doctors do to get these two bones apart.  Do you remember that big word kids?  That’s right – persuasion:

Oops, sorry about that boys and girls…I guess there are images even this blog won’t show (really?!).  Instead, please enjoy this tamer picture of a stupid penguin that is about to die:

Penguins sure are silly, dumb animals aren’t they kids?

Once Mr. Femur and The Happy Pelvis are no longer friends, it’s time to take off the head of Mr. Femur.  This is done with a special lollipop that looks a lot like a bone saw:

 

Ever wonder what they do with that leftover Mr. Femur head once they cut it off?  I do too.  I asked about it a lot before this whole thing started, and all they could tell me was, “no, you can’t keep it you weirdo”.  Surgeons sure like to make you feel special don’t they kids?  Well I figured that there are starving doggies in third world countries that would love to have a bone to chew on, so I’d like to think that I am donating to helping those poor doggies enjoy a little happiness in their lives (and we’ll find out next April if that is tax deductible).

So now it’s time to make a large, deep hole down the center of the now shortened Mr. Femur.  This is done with a special drill-like tool called a…wait for it…a DRILL:

Once the hole has been drilled, it’s time use a special hammer to “pop” in the metal rod into our newly drilled hole.  This “pop” hammer looks nothing like this:

But at least it’s good imagery for our story right boys and girls?

So now that we have our hole, we have our hammer and we have our metal rod, the surgeon “gently” and “calmly” hammers the rod into place.  This is an easy task and not a hard, frustrating process whatsoever:

Once the rod is in place, the surgeon uses a GPS satellite to make sure my legs are the same length and then we’re done.  It’s time to close my “tickled” area using staples to help keep everything in place.  Where are the pictures of that?  Well, while the GPS part is pretty cool and the staples were the most cringe-worthy part of the story to most people, I have decided to leave this part short (that and I couldn’t think of anything creative to draw for them…call me lazy).

Now all I have to do is wake up.  To do this, they move me under a giant lamp that they shine in my face to make me think it’s now morning time:

It’s very important to wake up as soon as possible because it’s not good for me to stay asleep for too long.  So if the light just isn’t working, it’s time to use other measures to get my sleepy butt awake:

Once I’m finally awake, it’s time for a tantalizing meal of pretzels and ice chips.  My tummy will be pretty woozy for a while because of all the “happy arm juice” pumping through my system so it’s a good idea to eat so I can have something to throw up later.

And finally, before they send me home (yes, this was outpatient!), it’s time to meet with the surgeon one more time so he can reassure me that everything went according to plan and I should be fine:

And there you have it.  Once all of this, I head home for an afternoon/evening of sleeping, narcotics (morphine, oxycodone, and vicodin), and peeing in a Taco Bell cup because I’m too “happy” to hit the toilet from a standing position and I’m not allowed to sit down.  Sounds exciting right kids?

Maybe next time I’ll share more about what happens after I wake up, the exciting visits I had from the nurses and physical therapist and of course, more adventures down the rabbit hole with my good friends Morphy, Vicodini and The Oxy Twins.

Until then, I leave you with a final picture of Adler trying to steal my cane from me:

He loves this thing and cries when he can’t have it.  I also think he gets a kick out of watching me fall down when he yanks it out from under me.  Kids can really suck the life out of you (and have the potential to really do some physical harm)…remember to pay it forward!

-Cheers!