They see me rollin...

I recently took the kids on a road trip to White Lake, South Dakota for a family reunion.  For those of you not familiar with White Lake, it's about a 5-6 hour drive from where we live.  So of course, traveling with three kids can be a challenge if you can't keep them occupied.  Yes, they had their books and toys and games and movies, but sometimes that wasn't enough.

So we started to play some of those ever popular "road trip games" to help pass the time:

Now Ash is a very creative little boy.  When we play games such as "I Spy", he's not really seeing something that belongs in the real world.  He is usually using his imagination and coming up with something else.  For example, we were once playing "Find Shapes in the Ceiling Dots" one time and he "showed" me a pineapple with a worm sticking out eating a popsicle.   Now we both knew there was no such shape in any of those dots in the ceiling, but for a three year old, that's the extent of these types of games. 

So, back to the game during our trip, I thought I would outsmart Ash and make up something I thought he would see:

Lesson #1:  You cannot outsmart a three year old:

Lesson #2:  Snaggerdoodles are blue...apparently.

After a while of driving, the dreaded "are we there yet?" started to insert itself into the games, activities, and conversations.  Ayris, being the ringleader as always, is the instigator of this continuous question. 

When not satisfied with my answers, she continued to push the matter even further:

Wait for it...

Ladies and gentlemen, Ayris has discovered sarcasm! 

As we got closer to our destination (and further into South Dakota), Ayris decided to create a new game:

As a supportive father, I decided to play along...with some good old-fashioned trash talking:

I wasn't about to let this go unchallenged:

Yeah, how do you like me now?

Then it was Ayris' turn for rebuttal:

Lesson #3:  You cannot outsmart a five year old either...

Overall it was  a good trip.  Both Ayris and Ash managed to outsmart me yet again while Adler simply enjoyed spraying water and milk from his bottle all over the windows.  There were a lot of great moments for all of us during the reunion weekend and many more funny situations that should be shared.

But those will need to be stories for another time...

-Cheers!

Placed Into Conference

We live in such an interesting time.  Technology is moving faster and faster each day and we are only limited to our own imaginations as to what we can accomplish with it.

Folks, the future is now:

Yet I can't help but wonder why we are so limited on certain things.  Things that should not be an issue have become common occurrences of inconvenience in our otherwise convenient World of Tomorrow.  I don't believe it's because we don't have solutions.  I just think it's because we'd rather invent the next big thing and not go back and fix the half-assed stuff we should have made better.

Case in point:  Why is it that phones still only allow one person to talk at a time?

*Seriosuly, this happens all the time...just ask Karen and Cara.

This is why I loathe conference calls.  And of course, because of my poor behavior, this usually happens next:

Please someone fix this soon.

-Cheers!



Pet Peeve

I know what you're thinking - "Chris, you have a pet peeve?"  Why, yes I do...several of them actually.  I've been thinking about doing this post for a while now and I really wanted to share, but the examples I had were all real and could get me into trouble (I still have no idea who is actually reading this blog).  So instead, I decided to play it safe.  The example is made up, but the pet peeve is very, very real.

It really bothers me when people assume we all have the same level of knowledge and understanding of things:

At this point, I start to make some strange faces indicating my lack of comprehension (I imagine my reaction looking a lot like a family pet that's just been handed the phone).  This is when things can start to drastically go downhill:

Which of course usually gets some sort of smart ass response out of me:

So what do people do when they didn't get their point across the first time?  They try again:

And then to make extra sure they were successful on the second attempt, I usually get a face full of condescending contempt:

Um...really?  At this point, the ignorance has made me tired and any patience I had in my reserve tanks have now been depleted:

And it's now time to share how I really feel:

So there you have it.   I have shared with all of you one of my pet peeves that can drive me crazy.  I shouldn't fault everyone for this, but there are some who should just know better.

Anyone else out there get irritated by this?  If so, please share.  If you are guilty of doing this, please stop.  You're not proving anything...

-Cheers!

Your Ad Here

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "Advertising nourished the consuming power of men...sets up the goal of a better home, better clothing, better food for himself and his family. It spurs individual exertion and greater production. It brings together in fertile union those things which otherwise would not have met."

Whatever.

I personally feel that the advertising agencies are doing it all wrong.  They are so desperate for ad space they have ruined our highways, littered our landscapes, invaded our internet, cut our TV shows down to 17 minutes and added about 20 - 50 extra pages to our magazines.  But yet, I still believe they miss the mark when it comes to catching their target audiences.

How can they for sure get that women's deodorant (by Mennen?) in front of all women?  How can they get that Hair Club for Men to only men?  Where can a gender specific ad go where you know it will hit the target audience each and every time?  That's right, the restroom.

Now before you say it, I am well aware of the current strategy:

But seriously, how effective is this when not everyone stands at a urinal?  How can you catch the attention of the guy who just ate 2 chili gut busters and ran into a vacant toilet stall?  Where is the one place in any bathroom that everyone always looks regardless of their intended duties?  Yep, the mirror.

Now I know what you're thinking - "But Chris, how can we check ourselves out in the mirror if there are ads in the way?"  Great question...the answer - built in TVs.

 I know this technology already exists today, M has it in her car:

It looks like a regular mirror until you put the car into reverse.  There is a little screen that turns on to help you see directly behind you when you back out your car.  Why is it no one has decided that putting this technology into public restroom mirrors is a good idea?  Imagine capturing the target audience each and every time, the forceful nature of having to watch the commercial (it's not like anyone is going to skip their grooming process in a restroom just because someone is trying to sell them vodka), and best of all - everyone who steps into that restroom is going to see the ad.  If this wasn't enough to convince someone to make this the next big thing, I have put together a few mock-ups of what I believe this might look like. 

Imagine if you will you're a woman out on a first date.  He seems nice, you're looking good, you're feeling good about how things are going, and you go to the restroom to powder your nose / freshen up / go pee / whatever.  As you're in front of the mirror, it suddenly comes alive with who else but Catherine Zeta Jones:

Wow, good thing Cathy was there to help you out, huh?  You then realize you haven't spritzed any Uncle Buckey's on you lately so you grab the nearest bottle and spray away.  You return to the table (mentally giving Catherine Zeta Jones a high-five) and continue with your date.  Your soon-to-be husband is so overwhelmed by you that he whisks you away in his private jet to get married in Paris that very evening.  And you owe it all to mirror ads!

For the guys out there, they seem to be more "fashion inept".  Now I know I'm one of them, but it's really sad what straight men consider "looking good" these days.  Only two holes still counts as the "good jeans" and a pit stained shirt still has some decent mileage left in it as long as you don't raise your arms...or move them at all.  But what seems to be our worst offense is our hair.

Imagine you are a single guy out on the town with the fellas and you decide to hit the restroom to release some bio-hazardous waste / bake some brownies / drop the kids off at the pool / whatever.  As you're in front of the mirror, it suddenly comes alive with, you guessed it, Joe Pesci:

Amazing what a life saver he can be.  Thanks Joe Pesci!

As always, when there's a yin, there's a yang.  I took my idea to everyone's favorite person:  Mike Wheeler.  He reminded me that there could be a lot of risk involved with such an idea.  Imagine if the ad companies missed the mark with their target audience and made poor decisions (I know it's unlikely, but humor me).

What if they started using this technology to show music videos and they played the wrong one:

They could end up with a lot of broken mirrors around the city if they weren't careful.*

So I think you get the intent of the concept now.  If this exists already, I apologize to anyone who has already implemented it and took offense to my version of your evil.  Seriously, if it ever comes to something like this, I may need to give wearing diapers a second thought.

-Cheers!

-----------------------------------------

*Please note, if I offended any Rebecca Black fans out there....GOOD!  You wouldn't know actual music if it came up and stabbed you in the eardrum with a spoon.  For those of you who are not familiar with Rebecca Black or her song, Friday, please re-read the lyrics in the above cartoon.  I did not take many liberties in this sketch for the sake of comedy...yes, they actually suck that hard.  For those of you curious as to what I am talking about, do yourself a favor - instead of searching for this song and watching it on YouTube, go out to your local hardware store and ask them to smack you in the head a few dozen times with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.  Trust me, you will feel much better about yourself.

What's this guy's problem?

I recently had lunch with my friend Sean and the strangest thing happened:

So the lesson here, kids, is if you ever see someone staring at you and you have no idea who they are, check behind you...chances are women's beach volleyball is on the TV.

-Cheers!



Stupid Phone - Stupid Me - Stupid You

Well the unthinkable happened to me recently - my cell phone died.  It wasn't a good death either.  There were tears, bargaining, denial, anger, and then finally acceptance.  My phone had been dropping calls more and more often until it reached a point where I couldn't even keep a call long enough to say, "my stupid phone is..."

So as all techies would suggest - just power cycle it (turn it off and then turn it on again).  So I took out the battery, counted to 10, put it all back together and turned it back on.  This was when I started to realize it was the beginning of the end of the relationship between my phone and me. 

As I went to check the status, I noticed my new screen:

At this point, my phone was capable of making outbound calls, but without a screen, I couldn't pull any numbers from my contacts, nor could I see who called me, nor read text messages.  So if I knew the phone number, I could use my phone.  If I was able to answer immediately, I could use my phone.  All other situations left it worthless.

At this point, it was time to tell M that I needed a new phone:

Okay, for the record, I lightly tossed my phone against the wall and only the battery came out.  If you don't believe me, just ask the wall.  Furthermore, this was after it stopped working.  I had already mentioned that I was going through a stage known as anger.  Well the way I could tell I was officially in the anger stage was when I noticed my phone having a hard time staying in my hand and having more of an attraction with the far wall and then immediately after that the carpet.

Once M finally realized it was time to replace my phone, she checked our carrier's website to see when my contract was up.  Turns out my contract expired soon, but the phone I wanted was going to cost $600!  Assuming the price on the website was more than likely incorrect, and that an actual store would have an employee with a pulse and the authority to make overrides, I decided to venture to the nearest ***carrier name withheld for legality purposes*** store to see what sort of deal I could cut prior to my contract expiring.

After explaining (and showing) my dilemma to the store clerk:

To be fair, I tried a few login/password combinations before giving up, but for the sake of continuity, I have removed that process from this sketch.  In addition, I must admit that I have failed myself as a human being in protecting my personal information.  Since 2003, I have been HIPAA certified and my certification is renewed religiously each and every year.  So standing in a crowded store with this clerk giving her all of my user names and passwords within ear shot of at least 9 people does not reflect well on my professional training.

Then the rest of my experience at the store went something like this:

So ends the first trip to the store to replace my phone.  The rest of the story goes a little something like this:

• M called the carrier directly to inquire about options, turns out the rep was very helpful and said that the store manager has the ability to allow a phone purchase prior to the contract end.  The rep also said he would call M back in a few days to see if it happened.  If not, he would just overnight a new phone to me.
• M took my old phone to the store where the manager had no clue what the hell she was talking about.
• The rep never called back so M called again to inquire about just having a phone sent overnight.  The rep she spoke with previously was unavailable and the current rep could not do anything since the account was already "in process" by another person.
• Several days later, the original rep called M back and said a new phone would arrive the next day.
• The next day, the phone never arrived.
• The day after that, the phone finally arrived and I now have a new iPhone 4.

For those of you that are more visual, I have prepared a series of pictures depicting the 8 stages it took to get this phone:

Needless to say, M had way much more patience than I would have, and I owe her for all of her hard work trying to get this resolved.  If it were me doing it on my own, I would still be bitter with a crappy phone with a jacked up screen.  Thank you, M, I love you!

So that's the story of my Stupid Phone.  The story of Stupid Me is the fact that I never took the time to archive any of the contact numbers I have been accruing over the past 7-8 years.  That means I have nothing now, and I get to start all over again trying to regain numbers from people that I may not have spoken to in years.  That's where Stupid You comes in.  If I don't see you or speak with you regularly, chances are we probably won't anytime soon unless you reach out to me and give me your contact information again.  Also, if you have recently called me or texted without a response back, chances are I probably don't know about it.  For some of you, this may be an easy decision.  For others, this may be the one chance you've been waiting for to get me out of your life forever.  And before you say it, NOT EVERYONE IS ON FACEBOOK!  For example, I have a friend that refuses to join FB because of his involvement with another acronym that starts with FB_.

So for those of you who take the time to reach out to me, I say good for you.  Thanks for keeping in touch and strengthening our friendship (I hope I don't owe you money).  For those of you who choose to let whatever it was we had together die, then to you I say - So long and thanks for all the fish.

The choice is yours...choose wisely.

-Cheers!