Stupid Phone - Stupid Me - Stupid You

Well the unthinkable happened to me recently - my cell phone died.  It wasn't a good death either.  There were tears, bargaining, denial, anger, and then finally acceptance.  My phone had been dropping calls more and more often until it reached a point where I couldn't even keep a call long enough to say, "my stupid phone is..."

So as all techies would suggest - just power cycle it (turn it off and then turn it on again).  So I took out the battery, counted to 10, put it all back together and turned it back on.  This was when I started to realize it was the beginning of the end of the relationship between my phone and me. 

As I went to check the status, I noticed my new screen:

At this point, my phone was capable of making outbound calls, but without a screen, I couldn't pull any numbers from my contacts, nor could I see who called me, nor read text messages.  So if I knew the phone number, I could use my phone.  If I was able to answer immediately, I could use my phone.  All other situations left it worthless.

At this point, it was time to tell M that I needed a new phone:

Okay, for the record, I lightly tossed my phone against the wall and only the battery came out.  If you don't believe me, just ask the wall.  Furthermore, this was after it stopped working.  I had already mentioned that I was going through a stage known as anger.  Well the way I could tell I was officially in the anger stage was when I noticed my phone having a hard time staying in my hand and having more of an attraction with the far wall and then immediately after that the carpet.

Once M finally realized it was time to replace my phone, she checked our carrier's website to see when my contract was up.  Turns out my contract expired soon, but the phone I wanted was going to cost $600!  Assuming the price on the website was more than likely incorrect, and that an actual store would have an employee with a pulse and the authority to make overrides, I decided to venture to the nearest ***carrier name withheld for legality purposes*** store to see what sort of deal I could cut prior to my contract expiring.

After explaining (and showing) my dilemma to the store clerk:

To be fair, I tried a few login/password combinations before giving up, but for the sake of continuity, I have removed that process from this sketch.  In addition, I must admit that I have failed myself as a human being in protecting my personal information.  Since 2003, I have been HIPAA certified and my certification is renewed religiously each and every year.  So standing in a crowded store with this clerk giving her all of my user names and passwords within ear shot of at least 9 people does not reflect well on my professional training.

Then the rest of my experience at the store went something like this:

So ends the first trip to the store to replace my phone.  The rest of the story goes a little something like this:

• M called the carrier directly to inquire about options, turns out the rep was very helpful and said that the store manager has the ability to allow a phone purchase prior to the contract end.  The rep also said he would call M back in a few days to see if it happened.  If not, he would just overnight a new phone to me.
• M took my old phone to the store where the manager had no clue what the hell she was talking about.
• The rep never called back so M called again to inquire about just having a phone sent overnight.  The rep she spoke with previously was unavailable and the current rep could not do anything since the account was already "in process" by another person.
• Several days later, the original rep called M back and said a new phone would arrive the next day.
• The next day, the phone never arrived.
• The day after that, the phone finally arrived and I now have a new iPhone 4.

For those of you that are more visual, I have prepared a series of pictures depicting the 8 stages it took to get this phone:

Needless to say, M had way much more patience than I would have, and I owe her for all of her hard work trying to get this resolved.  If it were me doing it on my own, I would still be bitter with a crappy phone with a jacked up screen.  Thank you, M, I love you!

So that's the story of my Stupid Phone.  The story of Stupid Me is the fact that I never took the time to archive any of the contact numbers I have been accruing over the past 7-8 years.  That means I have nothing now, and I get to start all over again trying to regain numbers from people that I may not have spoken to in years.  That's where Stupid You comes in.  If I don't see you or speak with you regularly, chances are we probably won't anytime soon unless you reach out to me and give me your contact information again.  Also, if you have recently called me or texted without a response back, chances are I probably don't know about it.  For some of you, this may be an easy decision.  For others, this may be the one chance you've been waiting for to get me out of your life forever.  And before you say it, NOT EVERYONE IS ON FACEBOOK!  For example, I have a friend that refuses to join FB because of his involvement with another acronym that starts with FB_.

So for those of you who take the time to reach out to me, I say good for you.  Thanks for keeping in touch and strengthening our friendship (I hope I don't owe you money).  For those of you who choose to let whatever it was we had together die, then to you I say - So long and thanks for all the fish.

The choice is yours...choose wisely.

-Cheers!

Hall Pass

M and I recently watched the Farrelly brothers movie - Hall Pass.  It had that delightful Owen Wilson in it along with Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer and the always beautiful Christina Applegate (even my beloved Alyssa Milano had a cameo).  It's one of those comedies that is supposed to have funny one liners, crude toilet humor, the humorous side of drug use and of course a life lesson that each character must learn in their own way.

Now I like to think that I can be forgiving with most movies.  They are supposed to tell a story the best they can, so I tend to overlook plot holes, breaks in the continuity and I always try to give the writers/directors the benefit of the doubt with their intents.  But this movie was just too far out there for me to even fathom belief.  The main plot of the movie is this - two middle aged family men are given a week off from their marriage by their wives.  This means they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, with WHOMEVER they want.  That's right, they have an entire week to go do ***fill in the blank here with your most obscene thoughts***.

My initial reaction to the concept should set the tone for the rest of this post.   I thought that this concept was so far inconceivable, that I started thinking of more realistic opportunities that may actually happen to me in my life:

Now don't get me wrong, I am not a prude and yes, I know there is such a thing as "open marriages", but the mere thought of something like this ever happening just seems too far out there.  I then started to realize that this movie was not a comedy at all, but more in the vein of science fiction:

For those of you who have been to this blog before, you may have gotten to know me a little better over the last seven months or so.  Through my posts, you more than likely have had a chance to get to know M a little more as well.  Can you ever see something like this happening???

I love M a lot...but she is a psycho (she'll be the first to admit that).  If M were to ever make such an offer to yours truly, my response would probably go something like this:

As we sat there watching this movie, it became more and more clear that these people have lost all grip on reality.  The husbands were planning conquests that would never happen.  The wives started flirting with other men and then pushed them away when they got too close (man I hated dating).  And of course, both couples realized how stupid they were and how stupid in love they were with their significant other.  They then vowed to treat each other better and that was basically the end of the movie.

M and I sat up afterwards to talk about it.  I shared with her how far fetched it seemed and how crazy of an idea it was.  M then reminded me of what I would more than likely do in that situation and I started feeling better about the overall concept (once again, my wife was right).

Let's assume for a second that M gives me a hall pass from our marriage and I had a week to do whatever I wanted.  My "to do" list would look something like this:

• gin, bourbon, tequila, beer - CHECK
• stuffed crust pizza, Frank's Red Hot, Chipotle - CHECK
• cognac dipped cigarillos - CHECK
• 4 foot stack of video games with fully charged controllers - CHECK
• cell phone and BlackBerry turned off and batteries removed - CHECK
• doors and windows locked, alarm set and clocks hidden - CHECK

Let the madness begin...

-Cheers!

Atheists for Human Rights

We live in such an individualistic society that everyone seems to insist their beliefs are the one and only "true north".  We are so self-absorbed in our own opinions that we would rather de-friend a person on Facebook than admit someone else's point of view may actually be valid and/or viable (yes, I am guilty of de-friending someone on Facebook as well, but he was a stupid, racist a-hole and I didn't like his narrow mindedness).  Because of this, I have decided to keep my opinions to myself on this post.  While I find humor in the topic, I will try to avoid rekindling the ongoing argument about whose deity's farts don't stink.

I have driven by this sign for years and still chuckle to myself:

I assure you, this picture has not been doctored...it exists.  This sign can be found on CR-46 in Lakeville, MN east of I-35 just past Interlachen Blvd.  For some of you atheists out there, I'm sure you're going to need to see it and probably physically touch/feel it for yourself before you can decide to believe in it's existence.

What I don't understand is what does "atheists for human rights" actually mean?  Human rights, like freedom of religion?  Well, seems atheists have nothing to worry about on that one since there's nothing to judge/challenge/rebuttal against.  In fact, atheists seem to be the antithesis of this since they are the ones challenging "believers" on their faith.  They call "believers" dumb, blind, arrogant, etc, and they tend to pull out the PROVE IT card every time someone dares to mention the "F" word in their presence. 

In fact, I'm sure there's a sign out there somewhere that looks like this:

* For the record, this picture has been doctored.

To help support the uphill struggle of the oppressed atheist, I have come up with a list of things that should help in the awful plight that is commonly known as the atheist human rights movement.  Also, feel free to add any of this to the Atheist Magna Carta (tentatively titled "Atheismo").

No more will the atheist be held accountable for participating in a religious event.  The atheist should go to work on December 25th proudly with the excitement of knowing they will get much accomplished since it's more than likely going to be a slower day.  The atheist should decide when they want to give up their bad habits and not let something like Lent dictate the timing for them.  The atheist should be allowed to eat pork or any kind of meat on any day they like, and the atheist gets to decide which Friday will get to be "good".

The atheist should be given immunity and denied certain foods and treats that are offered during certain times of the year such as chocolate bunnies/santas, hard boiled eggs (that are less than white in color), egg nog (in fact, let's remove all nog of any kind just to be safe), and of course marshmallow animals (sometimes referred to as "Peeps").  In addition, we should remove all Kosher food off the atheist menu completely...including the Kosher salt most bars use to make their margaritas.

To help make this easier for them, atheists should be uninvited to all holiday parties, get togethers and social gatherings...especially if they involve gift exchanges, candles and/or decorated pine trees.  Also, do not offer atheists a gift between December 1st and January 10th.  If an atheist happens to have a birthday during that time frame, it is polite to simply wait until those dates have passed.  In the event an atheist has not been freed by their oppressors and are forced to something religiously festive, the atheist reserves the right to not participate in any rituals or traditions such as "peace on earth" and/or "goodwill toward men".

Also, until the radio and television zealots learn to accommodate our downtrodden brethren, atheists will be allowed to rewrite holiday songs and movies as they see fit (since they can't escape the "spirit of the season" and you can only watch so much Weather Channel in December).

I have taken the liberty of starting the creative process of "religion sterilizing" some of the more popular songs and movies in our culture commonly seen/heard during December:

Movie Rewrites:

• It's a Wonderful Life will now end with - "Every time a bell rings, I get a headache."
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer will get his shiny nose from a tumor and he will be forced to live on the Island of Misfit Toys forever.
• Since there is no afterlife for atheists, A Christmas Carol will now be a documentary about winter in 19th century Victorian England.
• Ralphie never shot his eye out with his BB gun.  Instead, A Christmas Story will be shortened to Ralphie growing up hating his parents and teachers because they never believed that a Red Ryder BB gun was the perfect gift (since he couldn't use the excuse of Christmas/Santa).  Later in life, Ralphie would grow up to become an alcoholic and president of the NRA.

Song Rewrites:

• Holly Jolly Christmas:  "Have a holly, jolly Thursday!  It's the best time of the week."
• White Christmas:  "I'm dreaming of a white nothing, just like the ones I used to know...I guess."
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town:  "You better watch for traffic, you better not try, you better avoid the crowds, I'm telling you why:  Santa Claus is coming to the mall."
• Jingle Bells:  "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin..."  ***oh wait, I didn't write that one***

So there you have it.  Hopefully this will help slightly in the ongoing war against the poor and unfair treatment of atheists.  We had a lot of fun writing this one here at the Lemon, but don't think for a second that "believers" are off the hook.  There are a lot of problems with religions too (especially the organized kind).  But until I see an Adopt a Highway sign that reads "Christians Against Easter" or a billboard for a Jewish pig roast restaurant, I'll have to stick with what I have actually witnessed.

Lastly, if the Universe values anything, it's irony:

That's right, the Atheists for Human Rights organization adopted a highway right next to a church!  Whether that was intended or not, I support the plight of the atheist.  I have a dream that one day "believer" children and "non-believer" children, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will sit down and break bread with the Atheist.  Let freedom ring.

Until that time comes, I will proudly hold my head up high and say "I believe in atheists for human rights!  They have a difficult voyage ahead and it will not be easy, but I will stand behind you all!"

And I will pray for you...

-Cheers!

Random Thoughts

I'm going to try something different this time.  Since I don't have one long story or a bunch of quickie cartoons to offer, I wanted to share some of my thoughts/opinions with all of you regarding current events and recent happenings in my life.

Responding to the responses:
I like it when people leave comments to posts...it lets me know that someone out there is actually reading this stuff.  Anyway, it's been a while since I've responded to the responses so I thought I'd take this opportunity to do so to some of the more recent comments.

Jason:  I'm not a word smart guy, thanks for keeping me honest!  I also can't math...can you help with that?
Jim:  I don't get it either...
Greg:  Yes, I did neglect to mention that the Make Fun of Chris "prizes" were my pee cups.  Also, if you ever do decided to see "Two cups, one Chris", be sure to capture your reaction on video and post it all over the interweb.
Regular Cinderella:  That x-ray story sounds horrifying!  Ironically, I asked for a copy of my x-ray that shows my new hip so I could post it on the blog; however, after looking at it, I noticed that it was showing more than I was willing to share with the readers.  I remember the conversation I had in my head when I first saw the x-ray:  "Sweet, there's an uncomfortable chunk of metal where my bone used to be...and what is that?  Oh crap, that's where M's babies come from.  Well sh*t..." 

Welcome to Rapture, population: you
So I trust that everyone survived Rapture 2.0.  Seriously, how many times is this guy going to predict the end of the world before people stop listening?  I don't care about your deities or if your prophet is Jesus, Muhammed, Colonel Sanders or Uncle Buckey.  People need to learn to think for themselves and stop following random crackpots that spout misinterpreted scripture or flash their "I'm educated" badge.  People are so desperate for salvation that they will follow anyone who tells them they can have it.  Sorry folks, you have to earn it the old fashion way just like the rest of us.

Wolf Blitzer is an idiot
That's right, I said it.  Don't bother telling me I'm wrong here, I don't care.  The reason behind my opinion of this "journalist" revolves around his "coverage" of the Osama bin Laden Death Mission.  Picture this if you will, the president has just announced Osama bin Laden's death and students all across the country walk the streets in celebration.  The next day, the reports start flying in from all over.  Mr Blitzer has a live feed with a correspondent on the ground with the recap of the actual mission.  As the correspondent finishes his report, he mentions that one of the helicopters used to fly the mission had mechanical problems and had to be destroyed prior to the evacuation.

Now remember, this is the first time the world is given this level of detail regarding what went down and this guy probably knows more about this than most civilians and non-military personnel across the globe.  So of course, the Wolfster asks the one question that was on every one's mind at the time:

"Do you know if they used a Black Hawk helicopter?"

Once again, Wolf Blitzer is an idiot.

Orlando Ho!
M and I recently took the kids to Orlando for a mini-vacation and some time away from the fabulous Minnesota weather.  They had a good time and we were able to do quite a bit over the long weekend.  One of the more memorable stops (and the original reason for going) was Sea World.  We saw the dolphin show, the sea lion/otter show and of course the killer whale show.  Several years ago, M and I were in Orlando for a work function so we took a detour and hit up Sea World on that trip as well (what else is there to do in Orlando right?).  Interestingly (J - is that a word?), the shows were the exact same the second time except for the killer whale show.  The first time, trainers were swimming in the water with the whales, riding them and frolicking playfully.  The second time, the whales had the pool to themselves, there were guard rails up all over the place and not one trainer made it any further than the wading pool at the front of the theater.  Why?  Because Tilikum was back in the show.  You remember Tilikum don't you?  The bull orca that that has killed three people and injured several others?  THAT Tilikum? 

Since I last saw him , I noticed he's had some new ink done:

I know, this picture is in poor taste and I probably deserve the bad karma heading my way, but still - WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?!?!  I can understand the decision to leave Tilikum alone (he is the only male and has fathered like 15 offspring), but why in Pazuzu's flaming omelet of hellfire would they ever let him back in the show?!  Folks, the name says it all - this is a killer whale.  No, they did not run out of words when they were naming this species.  He's not a huggy-time whale or a rainbow-farting whale.  He is a f#&*ing KILLER whale people!  The more we make mistakes, the more we are destined to repeat them.

In a lighter story, we also spent a day at Aquatica which is a giant water park.  Now I haven't been to a water park in years, but this place was cool!  After a day of water rides, roasting in the 100 degree sun and burning our feet on the scorched earth they call walking paths, the kids and I decided to head back to the hotel to spend some time outside by the pool.  After dropping off M at the room, the kids jumped into the water and I started to self-medicate with a healthy dose of margaritas from the bar.

Now we stayed at a Hilton resort which goes all out for their guests.  Not only do their security guards guard security, but they also double as music DJs.  That's right, you read that right, a security guard dressed in uniform was spinning tunes for the folks hanging out in the pool area.  For those of you who don't know me, I used to be a DJ back when I was in college mostly doing school dances, weddings and the occasional dorm or frat party (don't call them frats...we don't like that (ATO-vtl)). 

It was nice to see that some of the old tricks were still being used today including the Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing) medley.  For those of you who don't know that one, it's a 14 minute song that keeps the same simple drum beat but plays riffs from a bunch of songs from the big band era and the early days of rock n' roll.  Imagine Little Brown Jug mashed together with Chubby Checker's Twist and his follow-up hit Twist Again.  Throw in some Benny Goodman and early Elvis along with countless other songs and you have one of the music DJ's best friends:  it's fast, it gets people dancing and it's long in case you have to go pee.

This song was then followed by We Like to Party! by Vengabus (it's a guilty pleasure song, admit it) which was then followed by some trivia (1,422 rooms at the Hilton Grand Vacations) and then a repeat of Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing) which then made way for We Like to Party! yet again.  By this point, I was thoroughly disappointed in "Security Guard DJ" and knew it was only a matter of time before everyone started doing the YMCA...which was of course the next fricken song.

By this point, I had done a good job of self-medicating myself, and knowing we had an early flight home in the morning, I was looking for an excuse to leave:

Overall, it was a great trip.  We got to spend time together as a family and get away from the real world commonly known as "life".

So that's about it for this section of random thoughts.  There's more here than I thought there would be.  Hopefully you all were able to make it through all of this blatherskite.  M already went to bed, so I guess that should tell me something.  Until next time, I leave you with this final thought:  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a killer whale.

Oh, and Wolf Blitzer is an idiot.

-Cheers!

Mike Wheeler vs The World

Ever since my post about Occam's Razor, people have been commenting about how they loved seeing Mike Wheeler in a post.  What surprised me most was the fact that everyone seemed to actually know him.  Wheeler once said that he knew everybody, but I just thought he was trying to impress the folks at Waffle House so I dismissed it.

Then I started to see the truth one day when we went to lunch:

And started taking note of all the subtle hints around me:

But it couldn't be true, could it?  I still had my doubts:

But he was everywhere I looked.  Seriously, how in the hell was he doing all of this?

I decided to put it to the ultimate test:  I would take him to Rome to meet the Pope.  If Wheeler was known all the way over in Vatican City, I would truly be convinced...maybe.

Once we arrived, there was a swarm of people and I lost Wheeler in the crowd almost immediately.  I searched everywhere, but I could not find him at all.  Suddenly, out walks the  Pope and guess who is with him:

Unbelievable!  How in the world can this possibly be happening?  At that moment, I started thinking of the cunning prankster that is Mike Wheeler, and I realized this was some elaborate hoax on my behalf.  There was no way everyone actually knew Mike Wheeler.

Until someone in front of me made the following comment:

My friend Jerry says, "Chris likes to spin a yarn."  M says that I like to embellish when I tell stories.  I still have no idea what they are talking about...

-Cheers!

Playtime is over...and some winners

Greetings!  As the title of this post hints, yes, playtime is officially over for me.  I have returned back to work full time and my travel schedule is back to "vagabond status".  "Playtime" may be a bad choice of terms because I would not actually consider my time off as "play".  I did enjoy working from home and spending more time with M and the kids, but considering the circumstances, we were all a little challenged and stressed throughout the entire ordeal.

As I mentioned, my travel schedule has once again kicked into high gear.  Most recently, I have been to St. Louis, Bloomington (Illinois) and New York City all within a span of about 10 days.  With a new (metallic) implant, I have been preparing for this:  allowing more time to get through security, the beeping of the metal detectors, the flashing of my implant card to show TSA that they can't keep telling me to "just go through again", and of course, the inevitable pat down search.

In addition to preparing, I was also strategically planning my security lines at the MSP and STL airports (trip #1).  There are certain checkpoints that use the newer body scanners over the old school metal detectors.  These machines scan the exterior of your body only, making life for people like me a little easier.  Unfortunately, this process also takes longer and it seems that the 15 people going through before me need to be told what to expect and then make sure they are comfortable with what the TSA is going to see on their screens post-scan:

Some people disagree with this new method.  They will complain that it invades their privacy or is too revealing or whatever.  Me?  I don't care.  Maybe my modesty isn't up to par with some of the larger prudes out there, but I have no problem going through something like this at an airport.  In fact, I would proudly walk through the airport naked if it meant that we were all reassured that some deranged fanatic wasn't trying to use an airplane as a terrorist weapon and killing hundreds of people in the process.  Sorry gang, we live in a time where people just can't be trusted...not even you.  So everyone either needs to learn to accept the circumstances of history's actions or grow a pair of wings and learn to fly (sorry, ranting...I'm back now).

My second trip went a little smoother, but it was unexpected and a little concerning.  I was not as much of a planner with my trip to Illinois so I ended up going through a checkpoint that didn't offer the full body scan.  When I made it up to the front of the line, I had my implant card ready and I went through the metal detector.  Strangest thing was that once I went through, nothing else happened - no beeps, no flashing lights, no TSA minions in riot gear asking me to step out of line, nothing! 

To say I was surprised is an understatement:

I thought the machine was broken or something.  I knew coming back, it could be a different story, but again, I went through the detectors without even a blip.  I then thought to myself that the whole process is a scam and that the TSA had us all convinced they were providing us a crucial service like seat fillers at the Oscars or dinosaur insurance or an extended warranty.  Those thoughts were quickly thwarted when my traveling companion went through and her necklace forced her to remove all her jewelry and go through again.  I felt a little better about the situation, but I still wondered how metal jewelry is bad, but a metal implant hidden inside the body is okie dokie (to be fair, this necklace appeared to be made of ball bearings).

The most interesting of all trips was the one to New York City.  At this point, I was no longer confused, but confident that I had this all figured out.  THAT is when the stupid f#$%ing metal detector caught me.  So without much delay, I was ushered to the back of the security area where I met a pleasant gentleman by the name of Gary who introduced himself to me (I guess it's a courtesy since we're about to become pretty "close" friends) and told me to turn and face the wall. 

The pat down lasted no more than a few minutes, but when I was done, I felt like Bruce Willis from Blind Date:

And of course, flying out of LaGuardia airport, I received the same "personal" level of attention on my way home.  Fortunately, I was able to upgrade to First Class on both the trip there and the trip home so I was helping myself to the complimentary, alcoholic beverages offered .

Overall I'd say I learned a lot during the past few trips.  I can't say that I am any closer to cracking the code that is TSA security, but I can at least now say that I have experienced new situations and met some interesting (and VERY friendly) people along the way.

Moving on, I wanted to share with all of you the winners of the Make Fun of Chris contest.  The entries were in high quantities and strategically hilarious (most anyway).  But with every contest, you need to have winners, so congrats go to both Jerry and Greg for their winning entries:

Jerry:  Just because you got your Iron Man starter kit doesn't mean you are that cool ya know.
Greg:  Six million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. He only gets one "na" when jumping.

The selection process was a difficult task for our judges, but in the end, they came to a consensus of who truly deserved the honor of successfully making fun of me:

Due to public demand, a small, private awards ceremony was already held in an undisclosed location where both winners took home some fabulous prizes:

***Note:  Both gifts were immediately thrown away following the taking of this picture.  I guess they didn't see the humor in my response to people openly making fun of me.  I guess I'll just buy them lunch at Dickie's instead.

-Cheers!

Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars

In a world full of energy drinks and power bars, flavored gourmet coffee of all shapes and sizes, and the common fast paced life that would even make an over achieving humming bird scream "SLOW THE @#$% DOWN!", I can't help but wonder how we ever mange to not only find time to sleep, but bring our bodies down to a "jitter level" low enough to even let it happen (run on sentence, I know...I don't care). 

Now don't get me wrong, I can slam an energy drink faster than anyone, which is usually followed by my morning Clif Bar, and that typically makes way for my 9am coffee run downstairs with Wheeler.  The rest of the day is spent drinking Guy Diet and sucking on coffee beans or chewing on a ginseng root (not really...maybe).  Our jobs require us to "do more with less", technology insists we always stay connected and all of our personal hamster wheels have been greased well enough to handle a total workout in less than 37 seconds a day.  We have trained our bodies to be in constant overdrive mode and that kind of mentality is hard to break.  For 18+ plus hours a day, we tell our bodies "no you can't slow down" when we need to be saying "you probably should".

Folks, I have the answer!  Introducing Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars:

 That's right, Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars are not only designed to help your body relax, but they are guaranteed to, at minimum, put you to sleep or your money back (results may vary).  Most "other bars" out there try to lure you in with "endorphin triggers" such as fruits, nuts and dark chocolate.  But what they don't tell you is while your endorphin levels may rise to help you relax, these ingredients also hit you with a shot of energy, protein and caffeine.  This confuses your body into slowing down and speeding at the same time.  And that my friends is sometimes referred to as a "speedball", which is what killed John Belushi (Legal Note:  Belushi's speedball was a combo of cocaine and heroin and in no way an actual dietary supplement implied in this advertisement).

Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars uses a combination of today's most popular sedatives, muscle relaxants and pain relievers such as carisoprodol and morphine.  In fact, we promise at least one piece of Valium in every bite!  We also added all natural tryptophan (which is found in Thanksgiving turkey) and offer delicious nap inducing flavors such as Bisquits n' Gravy, Leftover Fried Chicken, Mammoth Burger, All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet, and the ever popular Bacon!

Just listen to what others have to say about Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars:

*NOTE:  Typo was intentional...I thought it would be funnier than it actually turned out.  Sorry.

*NOTE:  Our photographer unfortunately ate an Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bar during the photo shoot and was not able to hold the camera steady.  Since we were being charged by the hour, we decided to just let it go.

And here's a lucky person who just polished off one of our new Jumbo Size:

Don't worry folks, he's fine...he's just sleeping...yeah, "sleeping".  He looks so peaceful doesn't he?

Manufacturer Warning - After eating an Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bar, please consider the following:

• Do NOT attempt to use heavy machinery
• Do NOT attempt to operate motorized vehicles
• Do NOT attempt to talk

If you find yourself feeling like you "can't eat just one", you may be having an addiction or a negative reaction to something else other than Uncle Buckey's Lethargy Bars.  If problem persists for more than 10 days, please contact your local detox or rehab center and tell them Uncle Buckey says "hiya".  We'll be waiting for you when you get out.

Oh, and stop calling us asking for more free samples.

-Cheers!