Psycho M: Deconstruction of a Dream Home

As some of you may already know, M is a psycho.  No, we're not in the middle of a fight, and this is not my vindictive way of getting back at her.  In fact, she will be the first to admit she is totally out of her mind crazy when it comes to paranoia (seriously, check out her blog sometime:  http://comingupcollins.blogspot.com/ ). 

Case in point, our discussions of a new home.  As our family continues to grow, our current house is shrinking.  It's only a matter of time before we reach our maximum occupancy and the Lakeville Fire Department comes in to shut us down.  So M and I have been trying to determine what we would require in our new home.

My vision is pretty simple - lots of windows, mature trees and a room for each of the kids:

Now it's time for Psycho M to offer her input.  First, no trees...that's where all the icky spiders live:

Second, we can only have one point of entry..no windows and only one door allowed.  That way all the serial killers in the area don't have tons of options as to how to sneak into the house and kill everyone.  Oh, and this one is important, we can't have more than one level...serial killers like to hide on the floor opposite of where the people will be and make prank calls to the house.  Also, we need to make our door look scary so we don't appear to be friendly and inviting to total strangers who happen to carry chainsaws and wear hockey masks:

Now that we're well secured inside our tomb home, it's now time to better protect the outside.  Like I said, no trees are allowed because of the icky spiders, so why not dig a moat and fill it full of monsters and sharks to help keep the yard easy to manage:

While this is a good start, we're still not finished.  The overall feel still isn't saying "GO AWAY!".  So let's build a giant wall like the one they had in Berlin.  We should also add graffiti to tell people who might be passing by, "Hey, look at our giant wall.  Would you like to see how nice it is on the inside?  Too fricken bad!"  So something like this:

Almost there!  We still have to consider patrolling the perimeter and guarding the gate so let's include one of those British guards and a creature from the Alien movies to monitor everything from the outside.  Oh, and I also added a missile battery on the roof to protect us against planes, helicopters, pterodactyls, or any other kind of aerial assault Psycho M's messed up head may come up with to worry about:

So there it is, in all it's glory - our dream home!  For those of you in the reality business, who just so happens to know of a place that would be perfect for us, please let us know.  In the meantime, we'll just continue looking and keep our fingers crossed.

-Cheers!