Go Grappa!

Hello all, here we are once again with another fun episode from the Lemon.  Before jumping into the post, how about some updates? 

M is still pregnant...very pregnant...any day now.

My standoff with Words with Friends has come to an unfortunate end.  I logged in tonight to get an official count of days on strike, when I discovered I somehow managed to resign from my game with M.  I'm sure this was all her doing, so in retaliation, I have provided a picture of her swollen feet at the bottom of this blog.

I recently downloaded the Army of Darkness game from the iTunes store.  As a fan of the Evil Dead series (I named my son Ash!), I couldn't resist and it turned out to be a pretty good game.  The problem now is that I am itching to re-watch the movies, but I no longer own any copies.  I lost them in a break-up years ago and never managed to replace them.  Incidentally, screaming at the Netflix logo on your TV screen does not magically add movies to your downloadable library...trust me on this one.

Now on with the show:

For those of you who don't know me very well, I have been spending a lot of time in New York City due to a project for work.  I basically have been living out there 10-15 days out of the month since early June.  It's been a good experience so far and I've found some great places and restaurants.  One of my favorite places to eat is Ancora - an Italian fine dining establishment that makes it's own grappa.

For those of you not familiar with grappa, it's basically Italian moonshine.  Imagine taking all the stuff leftover from wine making such as skins, pulp, seeds and stems and fermenting it into it's own alcoholic beverage.  It's typically 35 - 60% alcohol and can also make a viable alternative for jet fuel.  As an alcohol drinker, I don't like to back away from a challenge, so I continue to order an after dinner snifter of grappa each time I dine at Ancora.

Folks, I have come to the same conclusion each and every time - I do not like grappa.  In fact, for your blogging pleasure, I have come up with a list of things I would rather do than drink another snifter of grappa. 

In addition, I would also like to introduce you to Cara:

Cara has been asking for a while now to include her into Edge of the Lemon, so she is going to demonstrate for all of you the alternative activities I would rather do than drink a snifter of grappa.

I would rather wear a beard of bees than drink a snifter of grappa:

I would rather train attack dogs than drink a snifter of grappa:

As I was creating these cartoons, Ash asked me what I was doing.  He came up with one of his own:

Lastly, I would rather be the practice target for the redundantly named Flaming Knives of Fire act than drink a snifter of grappa:

Oh well, I guess that's the end of our post this time.  Special thanks to Cara for being such a good sport about this.  Hopefully, we can invite her back in the future and finish our redundantly named Flaming Knives of Fire act.

If not, there are other options:

And as promised, in retaliation for M's rouse and blatant cheating, here is a recent picture I took on my phone of her swollen feet:

Also, for some reason, my last post did not resonate with some of our readers as I have received at least 10 friend requests to play Words with Friends.  Do you people actually read this stuff or just look at the pictures?  Let's find out:  I think people should be allowed to worship false overlords...discuss.

HAIL BRAIN SLUGS!

-Cheers!

Goatsex, Buttsex and Queso...OH MY!

Okay, so I can't find time to write on my own blog these days...but I felt it was time to hijack C's once again...just to set the record straight...

First off, I will have you know...that Words with Friends did not allow me to play the words goatsex and buttsex...and I happen to believe these are two very feasible things...otherwise we wouldn't have a bunch of goats running around...and...well, I'm sure you can figure out the buttsex part on your own...NONE THE LESS, I was irate when I couldn't play those words and Chris had no sympathy for me.  Fast forward to like FOUR WHOLE DAYS AGO...when Chris made his last WWF move...

He comes into the bedroom and is all "What the f*ck is POH?"...and I'm all, "I have no idea, but I got points for playing it, so that's all that matters..."...Chris then tells me that I'm a cheater and leaves all in a huff.  THEN the Queso thing happens and he has refused to play the game since! 

I should also add that I'm kicking his *ss...and I think that's what the REAL problem is...he beat me the first time around (had to let him win one...) but in this particular game, I'm 215 to his 142...and this, people, is why we are at a standstill.  He says I am the competitive one...and this is definitely true...but at least I'm not stubborn.  Actually, I'm stubborn too...but I'd never just leave a game standing...he won't even resign it!

***And just so we're clear dear heart...if you don't play a word soon, you're gonna look like C-Daddy Pimpin' in the last frame of your cartoon...NO JOKE.  B*tch ain't playin'....this is serious stuff...and I've already waited four days!  My patience thresh hold is wearing thin at this point...

BTW, when I just did spell-check...goatsex, buttsex and queso weren't considered words???  WTF spell-check...I think Chris and I will be writing some letters to the spell-check board and WWF's this weekend...right after we finish our game.

BAM, I just added goatsex, buttsex and queso to spell-check on here...so Chris, going forward, feel free to use those words freely...

The rise (and fall) of C Daddy Pimpin

Here we are again with another post, but first some updates:

I have finally finished watching Arrested Development and am in dire need of another show to watch.  My friend Jerry has loaned me the first season of Burn Notice, but I haven't managed to watch any of it yet...stay tuned.

M and I have recently become addicted to Words with Friends (basically it's Scrabble online)...well actually M is addicted, I just started playing.  I have decided to stage an anti-Words with Friends protest as I disagree with the current rules of the game.  I am currently in a life or death struggle in a game with M with such great letters as Q, E, E, O, S, I, A.  I came up with a way to take a triple word score which would put me significantly in the lead.  The problem?  The stupid game does not recognize "QUESO" as a fricken word!  Now, I know what you're going to say:  "But that's Spanish, not English".  Screw that!  "BAGUETTE" is French and that works...your argument is invalid.  So until the simple minded developers recognize the error of their ways, I refuse to take my turn, leaving M stuck with an open game that's been stagnant for the last several days.  Some may call me a hero, some may call me a big, whining baby...history will be the judge.

So on with the new post:  M recently had a Facebook exchange with Karen (one of my direct reports from work).  In the post, M referred to me as a pimp and that I should be more grateful that I have such great people at work and at home that put up with me and help make me look good.  M later told me that I needed to create a post about how I can be such a pimp.  While I doubt this is what she had intended, I decided to create a new persona and act like a pimp for a day.  I once saw a documentary on pimping in America titled:  Pimpin in America.  Armed with a few quotes and tips from the documentary, I created my outfit and set out to impress my wife with my new "pimpin skillz".

Folks, meet C Daddy Pimpin:

So there you have it:  the rise (and fall) of C Daddy Pimpin.  I doubt we will ever see him again...but then again, stranger things have happened.

-Cheers!

Disclaimer:  While this blog post was made in jest, I by no means support the degradation of women or the pimping culture.  I also believe we are all created equal until proven stupid (man, woman, or other)...no one is safe!  ***In hindsight, I probably should have put this disclaimer first before anyone had a chance to read the post and potentially get pissed off.

Disclaimer to the disclaimer:  In addition to the above, I DO support the painful beating of annoying people...even if it's with their own pimp cane.

Disclaimer to the disclaimer's disclaimer: In addition to the above and the one above that, I also believe that the online game, Words with Friends, is unfair to the plight of my struggle with a very competitive wife.  I believe the developers need to spend the next 6 weeks in a Taco Bueno until they realize QUESO is a word and acknowledge the error of their ways...again, history will be the judge.

Gettin' Ink Done

I was recently standing in the St Louis airport with everyone's favorite person, Mike Wheeler, when he said the strangest thing:

I have no idea where that even came from, but to hear it coming from Wheeler totally caught me off guard.

As the owner of several tattoos myself, I know what it can be like having to decide what to get and where to put it.  I then started to think about Wheeler and what that might be like for someone like him:

So there you have it - Wheeler's new tattoos (not really).  But one can only imagine right?

-Cheers!

Lemon Quickies IV

Before you say it, I know...I've been neglecting my duties as a blogger and I am in danger of having my "Blog Poster Guy" badge revoked.  Due to all the travel for my job, my work/life balance has been a little one sided lately.  Any freetime I have managed to muster recently has been dedicated to re-watching the entire series of Arrested Development (damn you all for not supporting it...you know who you are). 

For those of you who are not familiar with this show, but enjoy the humor sprinkled throughout this blog, you may want to check it out.  I'd be willing to bet you'd get at least a few chuckles from time to time, and for those of you with a NetFlix account, you can watch all the episodes online.

Anyway, back to the current post - I realized that I haven't done any "quickies" lately.  After checking my notes, I also realized that I had about four pages of one liners and quick cartoon ideas so I decided I should probably start drawing them out and sharing.

In a recent post, I shared that my daughter Ayris has developed a sense of sarcasm (and at age five even).  While helping me to get Adler out of his carseat, I accidentally pushed the latch open with Ayris' finger which was in the way of my reach for the release button.

A few months ago, M went to go visit some friends and family in Oklahoma.  Ayris took it upon herself to help take care of Daddy and shoo away anyone who might want to become our friend while Mommy was out of town.

I need to be careful with what I say to M when I'm joking around.  Sometimes my comments made in jest can be taken out of context and can cause some serious injuries.

To be fair, M thought that it was funny (sort of), but I now know to be careful with my words when M and I are goofing off.  In addition, M is more money conscience with our funds than I am.  As some of you may already know, I had my hip replaced earlier this year due to a degenerative hip disease I've had since I was a kid.  For most of my life, I've learned to stand on my good leg and hold up my bad one as not to put my full weight on it.  After my surgery, M saw me standing like that one day in the kitchen and I got an earful.

What can I say?  It's hard to erase 25+ years of habit in only a few months.  I'm getting better though...I promise!

I recently took the kids to South Dakota for a family reunion.  It was good to see the kids interact with their cousins and the rest of the family.  Ayris was out playing with my aunt Dawn when she found out that some of the girls coming over the next day were avid soccer players and were excited to show Ayris how to play. 

That's when she came up with a brilliant idea:

One of the last days of the trip, my cousin Heidi brought over her boys to play with Ayris and Ash.  Needless to say, kids will be kids and they all started to get a little too rowdy for the boring adults to allow to continue (keep in mind Ash had an incident the day before involving a large rock hitting him in the head with lots of blood from his tiny head wound).

So here ends yet another post of the Lemon.  I'm off to NYC again for the week and I have about 20+ episodes of Arrested Development left before I finish the series.  Here's hoping I can get in another post before the end of the month...but I make no promises.

-Cheers!

Imagine a world without cigarettes...

Let me just start this post by saying I used to be a smoker and can calmly tolerate when others around me smoke.  I also value the opinions of all people on this topic so if smoking bothers those around you, please be considerate of their bitching.

I saw the craziest commercial the other day:

***I was recently informed that this video is no longer available.

Basically, the commercial showed people blowing bubbles instead of smoking

- in the car, on the street, in bars and restaurants...pretty much everywhere people smoke.

The wildest part of this commercial was that there were SO MANY FRICKEN bubbles...they were everywhere!

This has got to be the dumbest concept for anti-smoking I have EVER seen.  Now don't get me wrong, I understand that doing away with smoking inside public places was inevitable.  I mean seriously, the non-smoking section of a restaurant is like trying to stay in the non-urine section of a swimming pool.  But when I saw this ad, I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like if the intent of this ludicrous campaign actually came true.

My first thought was of people's safety with all these rogue bubbles now floating around the planet:

Even worse than our new found enemy known as the common soap bubble, I started to think about all of the millions of people who, without cigarettes, would need to get their nicotine fix from other measures.

It would be pandemonium:

So let's pretend for a minute that everyone complies to no more nicotine and we've now got the bubble epidemic under control.  Now let's think back to those times you or a friend of yours tried to quit smoking.  Now imagine every smoker in the world detoxing at the exact same time:

So thanks a lot "Anti-Tobacco".  You've managed to make the world safe yet again for another generation of non-smokers:

You should all be proud...

-Cheers!