Water Slide Victory?

Of all the people I have met and all the crazy/stupid stuff that I have done in my life, I discovered that I have tried the hardest to impress my kids.  From juggling oranges, catching random food in my mouth and learning their favorite songs on the guitar, I will stop at nothing to try and earn a smile or a laugh or even a small round of applause.  I believe that this is really what separates moms from dads:  moms will be a kid's mom no matter what, but a dad doesn't have that same bond with their kids and we have to constantly work at it to earn the same love a mother gets for free.

Just think about it...what do people say when they're on TV?  They say, "Hi Mom!"  If they acknowledge their dad on TV, it's usually followed up with, "...send money!"  It's the same with injuries, "I want my Mommy!"  Which is then typically followed by, "Daddy said it was okay to do it..."

M and I sometimes take our kids to our local health club to take advantage of their weekly "Family Swim" nights, and their pool just so happens to have a water slide:





One night, the kids wanted so desperately for their dad to go down this slide.  So much in fact, that Ash was willing to go down with me.  The thing is, Ash isn't the best swimmer.  In fact, he's not much of a swimmer at all.  He tends to rely on his floaties to get him from one end of the pool to the other and he doesn't dare put his head underwater without his mask on.  See where I'm going with all of this?  Great scenario for a water slide right?

So knowing the lifeguards would more than likely not allow Ash on the slide with all of his attachments, I decided to take him to the top so he could find out for himself (if it was M, he would have just believed her without the need for proof).

So there ends the short lived desire for Ash to go down the water slide.  That is when the focus quickly shifted to Dad just going down by himself (thanks M).  Knowing this would make my kids happy, it wasn't hard to coax me to do it.  When I reached the top of the slide, I remember the lifeguard telling me to go down the right side, "Dude, trust me, it's like way faster!"  OK, dude, whatever.

Going down the slide, it wasn't hard to remember my training from back when I used to compete semi-professionally in the National Water Slide League (NWSL).  If you lift your legs and arch your back, you can get some wicked air coming out of the pipe (the judges usually look for that and score accordingly).



***The judge from Japan was always a tough scorer

Needless to say, I had built up some pretty good speed by the time I hit the bottom of the slide, and with my legs raised and back arched, I skimmed across the water before diving like a torpedo straight to the bottom.

At this point, a lot of things were going through my head.  The biggest was the "realistic" expectation of what was going to happen next.  Knowing I had just nailed a sweet/sick run down the slide, I imagined myself emerging from the water victorious like some mythical hero:



And of course, the fanfare from my adoring legion of followers would have erupted in a deafening cry of pure emotion:

But the actual experience didn't exactly happen as I had imagined it.  As I hit the water and skimmed across the top of it, I managed to acquire one of the worst wedgies of my adult life.  While I was feeling my swim trucks being pushed (with resistance) into my spleen, I forgot to close my eyes all the way.  So as my head began to submerge at that speed, my eyelids flipped inside out and I felt like that creepy kid on the school bus that used to weird us all out by showing us that trick.  With my eyes getting a good wash of heavily chlorinated water and my trunks now a permanent part of my lower intestine, I miscalculated the distance between me and the surface of the water, causing me to take in a deep breath of not air, but more heavily chlorinated water.

To say my final victory pose was less than stellar would be an understatement:

The worst part of this entire experience was looking over to see my kids.  M and Adler weren't even paying attention, so they never caught my historic jaunt down the water slide.  Ayris and Ash, however, caught the entire escapade and it scared the living hell out of them:

So here I was, just trying to be a dad and show off for my kids.  When in all actuality, all I did was scar them for life knowing that one of their first memories of a water slide nearly killed their dad.

What started out as this:

Something they might one day want to try themselves, turned into this:

Which to this day they have never made mention of that slide ever since that fateful trek made by their crazy/stupid dad.  So in closing, dad's will always have to risk their lives/pride to perform for their kids.  It's in our nature, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, to Greg and Sarah who are expecting their first baby in March, I leave you with my favorite memory from your wedding:

Greg, may you always have the courage to play the fool for your kid(s), and Sarah, may you always love him for it.

-Cheers!

1) Nothing wrong with me 2) Nothing wrong with me 3) Nothing wrong with me 4) Nothing...

Well, it's been a crazy late September / early October for all of us in the Lemon Family.  Ash celebrated his 4th birthday in the emergency room with a bad case of the croup.  For those of you that don't know about Ash, he's had respiratory issues in the past (he had his own nebulizer before he was 1) so we didn't want to take any chances.  I came home late from the airport that night long enough to hear his shallow breathing and say hello to M and the kids, before taking Ash in.  Scary stuff for a parent, but the staff at the hospital were very good to him and he liked all the attention.  He gave everyone a hug on his way out and they even let him do rock hands when they took his x-ray.

Another huge update to share with everyone (in case you're not following us on Facebook) is that M gave birth to a 9lb 8oz baby boy - Alexander Nolan:

Mommy and Alex (M has started calling him Lexy) are both doing well.

Alex arrived a little earlier than expected.  I was still in St Louis for work when I got the call at 2:30am from M letting me know that she was in the hospital.  Maybe it was the early morning hour or maybe it was because none of our other children ever arrived on time, but I remember me asking M if everything was okay and why she was there (derp de-derp).  "Uh, I'm in labor.  The baby's coming.  Get your ass home."  Oh...right!  Long story short, I caught the first flight of the day back to Minneapolis and managed to get there in time to watch a few hours of daytime TV in the Labor and Delivery wing of Fairview Ridges Hospital before Alex finally showed up a little after 1:00 that afternoon.  YAY!

One of my favorite moments of those first few days with Alex and M in the hospital was when the kids got to meet their new, baby brother for the first time:

If you look closely, you can sort of see a face mask on Ash.  Poor kid had to wear this during his visits so he wouldn't get Alex or anyone else sick (remember the croup story?).  Unfortunately, the mask did nothing to stop the sickness and we all came down with colds immediately after this picture was taken.  It hit M and the kids first and then me.  I just now am starting to feel like the worst of it is behind me.

Anyway, that's been our updates for the past few weeks.  Thanks to everyone for the gifts, cards, phone calls, emails and overall well wishes over the past week or so.  For those of you still interested in sending a little something but not sure what to get us, we are registered at Target, Babies r Us and BMW of Bloomington.

Now, on with the post:

I sometimes tend to think I'm not all I can be, and that something is wrong with me.  Growing up, I had to be "that guy" who knew everything about anything and was doing it before "it was cool".  I'm starting to realize those days are over.  I was in the car the other day when I thought I saw a cop in front of me.  After slowing down and checking my seat belt, I realized it wasn't a cop at all but some hipster with an old school luggage rack on the roof of his 2005 Jetta.

I then started to think about the things in my life I have become resistant to.  At my work, we have phone extensions, voice mails, conference lines, smart phones, emails and instant messengers.  If someone is looking for you, they WILL find you. 

The problem, however, is when these things get in the way of each other and become counter-productive:

Even in my personal life, this whole "social networking" can be a little overwhelming:

As I was sketching this out, I came up with an alternative version (which just so happens to also be true):

But it doesn't end there.  I'm constantly being bombarded to join other sites just so I can see what other people are thinking throughout the day:

I used to love watching TV.  I had lots of different types of shows that I would watch throughout the week to help keep me educated on current events, opinionated on public affairs and entertained to no end.  Now that I have kids, my DVR is permanently stuck between the channels of 287 and 305 (PBS Kids, Cartoon Network, Disney, Nickelodeon, and Boomerang).  So while people discuss the goings on of Snookie, the skinny girl getting voted off and who sang/danced the worst, I have a different story to tell.

Here is my list of major television events for 2011 (so far):

• Castle told Becket he loves her (thanks M and Nik)
• Sam finally told Freddy she likes him and they kiss (Ayris loves iCarly)
• Scooby and the gang are going to solve that mystery (which I am reminded of daily by Ash)
• Yo Gabba Gabba still freaks me out sometimes (Adler seems to be okay with it though)
• Dora and Boots still have yet to do what I keep hoping they will do* (see below for more details - parental discretion is advised)
• Finally some new episodes of Robot Chicken (though not as many as I had hoped)
• And of course, M still has a crush on House

For that last one, I'm still a little puzzled by that.  Sure, he's got a winning personality, is very handsome, is addicted to pain killers and spends all of his money on hookers, but what is it about him really?  His intelligence?

Every time M mentions House, I show her this picture:

Anyone who looks like this can't be too bright...right honey?

So there you have it.  Another series of random thoughts and tangents barely tied to together by a little imaginary word called "reason".

Before we end this post, I'd like to leave you with a picture I found on the interweb recently.  I can't say this is me, but I have to admit that it makes me laugh every time I see it:

Hope you find as much humor in it as I do...

-Cheers!



*If you've ever seen Dora the Explorer (still doesn't fricken rhyme!), at the end of each show, Dora asks the viewers what was their favorite part of the adventure.  My typical response lately (since I'm having a hard time continuing to watch this show after five long and painful years) has been, "My favorite part was when Boots went on a killing spree!"