Uncle Buckey's Parenting Aptitude Test!
For those of you thinking about becoming a parent (or soon to be parents - Greg/Sarah, Nik/Denny), put those worthless books, blogs, magazines and DVDs away! Crap like Happiest Baby on the Block was written for that one kid who grew up in a neighborhood without any other children. Any type of parenting media is going to be help 15-20% of the time...if you're lucky. Most of the time, you are wasting precious waking moments just reading/watching about how some "professional/specialist" took the time to share with you their secrets to raising kids (to which I question the validity of their profession and the "children" used in their studies).
As a father of four, I know one thing is true about kids - they evolve and adapt. What works for one kid doesn't work for the other, and if you think you've cracked the code known as "raising kids", think again. It's a total ruse by your child to give you that false sense of hope that you are actually the one in control of this relationship. If you were dating or married to someone like this, you could consider this a dysfunctional relationship and your friends and family will be holding interventions to try to get you to realize that. For those brave few, when it comes to kids, it is simply called "parenting".
Now I'm not trying to scare anyone here...being a dad is something I love. But we all need to acknowledge that this gig is not for everyone. A book or class or all the planing in the world (trust me, I'm a project manager) cannot prepare you for what's in store for anyone willing to take the plunge.
To help, I have created a series of posts (which you are now reading the first) to not help you learn, but to help you prepare. If you can follow the simple steps that will be provided in this ongoing series, you will have a better sense for what to expect and if being a parent is for you. In addition, I am not an expert on parenting (but I play one on the internet). I will be sharing my own experience and nothing more. If there are any readers out there that disagree with my personal findings, or if anyone would like to share their own experiences, I welcome anything you can provide. If appropriate, I will happily share your story on future editions of Uncle Buckey's Parenting Aptitude.
Please note: There will be NO financial reimbursement for any contributions, but you may be able to rest easier knowing your story has been told...trust me, sometimes that's all we as parents need.
So, let's start with the first test!
Your task is to watch the following music video in its entirety (WARNING: This video's syrupy sweetness was known to cause diabetes in several test audience members):
Parents-to-be, welcome to The Gummy Bear Song (try the German version)
No matter what you do to introduce your children to music - Mozart, Taylor Swift, Volbeat, Social Distortion, whatever - your child will also REQUIRE songs like this.
Did you make it through to the end? Good! Now go watch it 4 more times.
Now download it: http://tinyurl.com/itunesgummybear
Then go burn an entire CD and/or fill your MP3 player/iPod/iPad/iPhone with nothing but this song.
Your next step is to play this song in your car nonstop and randomly play it throughout your normal day (try once every 20 minutes to start off light).
Now try to keep this up for the next two weeks. Every time you have the urge to turn off the song, jab yourself in your arm with something sharp like a letter opener or a cactus to mimic the sound of a child screaming until you find the courage to return to the song.
Did you make it the two weeks? Congratulations! You are now one step closer to surviving parenthood.
I hope that this helped. Before you go, I leave you with a final picture which perfectly portrays the joys of being a parent:
If you learn anything from this series, always be ready to expect the unexpected, and try to remember that nothing in this world is ever as shocking as raising children.
Luck to you all...
-Cheers!
Woo! I feel like I'm getting closer to Wheeler-level status.
ReplyDeleteThe sad part is that I found the Gummy Bear Song infinitely easier to listen to than the steady stream of sewage from Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rhianna.
I'm with Greg - I feel so special! =) And having been previously exposed to the Gummy Bear Song at Casa de Collins, I was prepared for it, & even was bopping along to it. Denny, however, was shocked & appalled. He made it to the 1:20 mark before saying "It's almost over, right?" Hahahaha... poor fool!
ReplyDeleteOh, & just for the record Chris? Life is a mystery... everyone must stand alone...
Greg, Nik...Your comments are WAY too Happy to have actually followed the instructions laid out by Chris. I suspect you only watched it once. Please go back and re-read the instructions and try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Then tomorrow repeat. Then all next week, repeat. Then the week after that look up the "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time" and do the whole process with nothing but that song.
ReplyDeleteThen add both songs into the mix.
Oh my gosh that is so funny!
ReplyDelete