So the lesson here, kids, is if you ever see someone staring at you and you have no idea who they are, check behind you...chances are women's beach volleyball is on the TV.
-Cheers!
Monday, June 27, 2011
What's this guy's problem?
I recently had lunch with my friend Sean and the strangest thing happened:
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Stupid Phone - Stupid Me - Stupid You
Well the unthinkable happened to me recently - my cell phone died. It wasn't a good death either. There were tears, bargaining, denial, anger, and then finally acceptance. My phone had been dropping calls more and more often until it reached a point where I couldn't even keep a call long enough to say, "my stupid phone is..."
So as all techies would suggest - just power cycle it (turn it off and then turn it on again). So I took out the battery, counted to 10, put it all back together and turned it back on. This was when I started to realize it was the beginning of the end of the relationship between my phone and me.
As I went to check the status, I noticed my new screen:
At this point, my phone was capable of making outbound calls, but without a screen, I couldn't pull any numbers from my contacts, nor could I see who called me, nor read text messages. So if I knew the phone number, I could use my phone. If I was able to answer immediately, I could use my phone. All other situations left it worthless.
At this point, it was time to tell M that I needed a new phone:
Okay, for the record, I lightly tossed my phone against the wall and only the battery came out. If you don't believe me, just ask the wall. Furthermore, this was after it stopped working. I had already mentioned that I was going through a stage known as anger. Well the way I could tell I was officially in the anger stage was when I noticed my phone having a hard time staying in my hand and having more of an attraction with the far wall and then immediately after that the carpet.
Once M finally realized it was time to replace my phone, she checked our carrier's website to see when my contract was up. Turns out my contract expired soon, but the phone I wanted was going to cost $600! Assuming the price on the website was more than likely incorrect, and that an actual store would have an employee with a pulse and the authority to make overrides, I decided to venture to the nearest ***carrier name withheld for legality purposes*** store to see what sort of deal I could cut prior to my contract expiring.
After explaining (and showing) my dilemma to the store clerk:
To be fair, I tried a few login/password combinations before giving up, but for the sake of continuity, I have removed that process from this sketch. In addition, I must admit that I have failed myself as a human being in protecting my personal information. Since 2003, I have been HIPAA certified and my certification is renewed religiously each and every year. So standing in a crowded store with this clerk giving her all of my user names and passwords within ear shot of at least 9 people does not reflect well on my professional training.
Then the rest of my experience at the store went something like this:
So ends the first trip to the store to replace my phone. The rest of the story goes a little something like this:
Needless to say, M had way much more patience than I would have, and I owe her for all of her hard work trying to get this resolved. If it were me doing it on my own, I would still be bitter with a crappy phone with a jacked up screen. Thank you, M, I love you!
So that's the story of my Stupid Phone. The story of Stupid Me is the fact that I never took the time to archive any of the contact numbers I have been accruing over the past 7-8 years. That means I have nothing now, and I get to start all over again trying to regain numbers from people that I may not have spoken to in years. That's where Stupid You comes in. If I don't see you or speak with you regularly, chances are we probably won't anytime soon unless you reach out to me and give me your contact information again. Also, if you have recently called me or texted without a response back, chances are I probably don't know about it. For some of you, this may be an easy decision. For others, this may be the one chance you've been waiting for to get me out of your life forever. And before you say it, NOT EVERYONE IS ON FACEBOOK! For example, I have a friend that refuses to join FB because of his involvement with another acronym that starts with FB_.
So for those of you who take the time to reach out to me, I say good for you. Thanks for keeping in touch and strengthening our friendship (I hope I don't owe you money). For those of you who choose to let whatever it was we had together die, then to you I say - So long and thanks for all the fish.
The choice is yours...choose wisely.
-Cheers!
So as all techies would suggest - just power cycle it (turn it off and then turn it on again). So I took out the battery, counted to 10, put it all back together and turned it back on. This was when I started to realize it was the beginning of the end of the relationship between my phone and me.
As I went to check the status, I noticed my new screen:
At this point, my phone was capable of making outbound calls, but without a screen, I couldn't pull any numbers from my contacts, nor could I see who called me, nor read text messages. So if I knew the phone number, I could use my phone. If I was able to answer immediately, I could use my phone. All other situations left it worthless.
At this point, it was time to tell M that I needed a new phone:
Okay, for the record, I lightly tossed my phone against the wall and only the battery came out. If you don't believe me, just ask the wall. Furthermore, this was after it stopped working. I had already mentioned that I was going through a stage known as anger. Well the way I could tell I was officially in the anger stage was when I noticed my phone having a hard time staying in my hand and having more of an attraction with the far wall and then immediately after that the carpet.
Once M finally realized it was time to replace my phone, she checked our carrier's website to see when my contract was up. Turns out my contract expired soon, but the phone I wanted was going to cost $600! Assuming the price on the website was more than likely incorrect, and that an actual store would have an employee with a pulse and the authority to make overrides, I decided to venture to the nearest ***carrier name withheld for legality purposes*** store to see what sort of deal I could cut prior to my contract expiring.
After explaining (and showing) my dilemma to the store clerk:
To be fair, I tried a few login/password combinations before giving up, but for the sake of continuity, I have removed that process from this sketch. In addition, I must admit that I have failed myself as a human being in protecting my personal information. Since 2003, I have been HIPAA certified and my certification is renewed religiously each and every year. So standing in a crowded store with this clerk giving her all of my user names and passwords within ear shot of at least 9 people does not reflect well on my professional training.
Then the rest of my experience at the store went something like this:
So ends the first trip to the store to replace my phone. The rest of the story goes a little something like this:
- M called the carrier directly to inquire about options, turns out the rep was very helpful and said that the store manager has the ability to allow a phone purchase prior to the contract end. The rep also said he would call M back in a few days to see if it happened. If not, he would just overnight a new phone to me.
- M took my old phone to the store where the manager had no clue what the hell she was talking about.
- The rep never called back so M called again to inquire about just having a phone sent overnight. The rep she spoke with previously was unavailable and the current rep could not do anything since the account was already "in process" by another person.
- Several days later, the original rep called M back and said a new phone would arrive the next day.
- The next day, the phone never arrived.
- The day after that, the phone finally arrived and I now have a new iPhone 4.
Needless to say, M had way much more patience than I would have, and I owe her for all of her hard work trying to get this resolved. If it were me doing it on my own, I would still be bitter with a crappy phone with a jacked up screen. Thank you, M, I love you!
So that's the story of my Stupid Phone. The story of Stupid Me is the fact that I never took the time to archive any of the contact numbers I have been accruing over the past 7-8 years. That means I have nothing now, and I get to start all over again trying to regain numbers from people that I may not have spoken to in years. That's where Stupid You comes in. If I don't see you or speak with you regularly, chances are we probably won't anytime soon unless you reach out to me and give me your contact information again. Also, if you have recently called me or texted without a response back, chances are I probably don't know about it. For some of you, this may be an easy decision. For others, this may be the one chance you've been waiting for to get me out of your life forever. And before you say it, NOT EVERYONE IS ON FACEBOOK! For example, I have a friend that refuses to join FB because of his involvement with another acronym that starts with FB_.
So for those of you who take the time to reach out to me, I say good for you. Thanks for keeping in touch and strengthening our friendship (I hope I don't owe you money). For those of you who choose to let whatever it was we had together die, then to you I say - So long and thanks for all the fish.
The choice is yours...choose wisely.
-Cheers!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hall Pass
M and I recently watched the Farrelly brothers movie - Hall Pass. It had that delightful Owen Wilson in it along with Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer and the always beautiful Christina Applegate (even my beloved Alyssa Milano had a cameo). It's one of those comedies that is supposed to have funny one liners, crude toilet humor, the humorous side of drug use and of course a life lesson that each character must learn in their own way.
Now I like to think that I can be forgiving with most movies. They are supposed to tell a story the best they can, so I tend to overlook plot holes, breaks in the continuity and I always try to give the writers/directors the benefit of the doubt with their intents. But this movie was just too far out there for me to even fathom belief. The main plot of the movie is this - two middle aged family men are given a week off from their marriage by their wives. This means they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, with WHOMEVER they want. That's right, they have an entire week to go do ***fill in the blank here with your most obscene thoughts***.
My initial reaction to the concept should set the tone for the rest of this post. I thought that this concept was so far inconceivable, that I started thinking of more realistic opportunities that may actually happen to me in my life:
Now don't get me wrong, I am not a prude and yes, I know there is such a thing as "open marriages", but the mere thought of something like this ever happening just seems too far out there. I then started to realize that this movie was not a comedy at all, but more in the vein of science fiction:
For those of you who have been to this blog before, you may have gotten to know me a little better over the last seven months or so. Through my posts, you more than likely have had a chance to get to know M a little more as well. Can you ever see something like this happening???
I love M a lot...but she is a psycho (she'll be the first to admit that). If M were to ever make such an offer to yours truly, my response would probably go something like this:
As we sat there watching this movie, it became more and more clear that these people have lost all grip on reality. The husbands were planning conquests that would never happen. The wives started flirting with other men and then pushed them away when they got too close (man I hated dating). And of course, both couples realized how stupid they were and how stupid in love they were with their significant other. They then vowed to treat each other better and that was basically the end of the movie.
M and I sat up afterwards to talk about it. I shared with her how far fetched it seemed and how crazy of an idea it was. M then reminded me of what I would more than likely do in that situation and I started feeling better about the overall concept (once again, my wife was right).
Let's assume for a second that M gives me a hall pass from our marriage and I had a week to do whatever I wanted. My "to do" list would look something like this:
Let the madness begin...
-Cheers!
My initial reaction to the concept should set the tone for the rest of this post. I thought that this concept was so far inconceivable, that I started thinking of more realistic opportunities that may actually happen to me in my life:
Now don't get me wrong, I am not a prude and yes, I know there is such a thing as "open marriages", but the mere thought of something like this ever happening just seems too far out there. I then started to realize that this movie was not a comedy at all, but more in the vein of science fiction:
For those of you who have been to this blog before, you may have gotten to know me a little better over the last seven months or so. Through my posts, you more than likely have had a chance to get to know M a little more as well. Can you ever see something like this happening???
I love M a lot...but she is a psycho (she'll be the first to admit that). If M were to ever make such an offer to yours truly, my response would probably go something like this:
As we sat there watching this movie, it became more and more clear that these people have lost all grip on reality. The husbands were planning conquests that would never happen. The wives started flirting with other men and then pushed them away when they got too close (man I hated dating). And of course, both couples realized how stupid they were and how stupid in love they were with their significant other. They then vowed to treat each other better and that was basically the end of the movie.
M and I sat up afterwards to talk about it. I shared with her how far fetched it seemed and how crazy of an idea it was. M then reminded me of what I would more than likely do in that situation and I started feeling better about the overall concept (once again, my wife was right).
Let's assume for a second that M gives me a hall pass from our marriage and I had a week to do whatever I wanted. My "to do" list would look something like this:
- gin, bourbon, tequila, beer - CHECK
- stuffed crust pizza, Frank's Red Hot, Chipotle - CHECK
- cognac dipped cigarillos - CHECK
- 4 foot stack of video games with fully charged controllers - CHECK
- cell phone and BlackBerry turned off and batteries removed - CHECK
- doors and windows locked, alarm set and clocks hidden - CHECK
Let the madness begin...
-Cheers!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Atheists for Human Rights
We live in such an individualistic society that everyone seems to insist their beliefs are the one and only "true north". We are so self-absorbed in our own opinions that we would rather de-friend a person on Facebook than admit someone else's point of view may actually be valid and/or viable (yes, I am guilty of de-friending someone on Facebook as well, but he was a stupid, racist a-hole and I didn't like his narrow mindedness). Because of this, I have decided to keep my opinions to myself on this post. While I find humor in the topic, I will try to avoid rekindling the ongoing argument about whose deity's farts don't stink.
I have driven by this sign for years and still chuckle to myself:
I assure you, this picture has not been doctored...it exists. This sign can be found on CR-46 in Lakeville, MN east of I-35 just past Interlachen Blvd. For some of you atheists out there, I'm sure you're going to need to see it and probably physically touch/feel it for yourself before you can decide to believe in it's existence.
What I don't understand is what does "atheists for human rights" actually mean? Human rights, like freedom of religion? Well, seems atheists have nothing to worry about on that one since there's nothing to judge/challenge/rebuttal against. In fact, atheists seem to be the antithesis of this since they are the ones challenging "believers" on their faith. They call "believers" dumb, blind, arrogant, etc, and they tend to pull out the PROVE IT card every time someone dares to mention the "F" word in their presence.
In fact, I'm sure there's a sign out there somewhere that looks like this:
To help support the uphill struggle of the oppressed atheist, I have come up with a list of things that should help in the awful plight that is commonly known as the atheist human rights movement. Also, feel free to add any of this to the Atheist Magna Carta (tentatively titled "Atheismo").
No more will the atheist be held accountable for participating in a religious event. The atheist should go to work on December 25th proudly with the excitement of knowing they will get much accomplished since it's more than likely going to be a slower day. The atheist should decide when they want to give up their bad habits and not let something like Lent dictate the timing for them. The atheist should be allowed to eat pork or any kind of meat on any day they like, and the atheist gets to decide which Friday will get to be "good".
The atheist should be given immunity and denied certain foods and treats that are offered during certain times of the year such as chocolate bunnies/santas, hard boiled eggs (that are less than white in color), egg nog (in fact, let's remove all nog of any kind just to be safe), and of course marshmallow animals (sometimes referred to as "Peeps"). In addition, we should remove all Kosher food off the atheist menu completely...including the Kosher salt most bars use to make their margaritas.
To help make this easier for them, atheists should be uninvited to all holiday parties, get togethers and social gatherings...especially if they involve gift exchanges, candles and/or decorated pine trees. Also, do not offer atheists a gift between December 1st and January 10th. If an atheist happens to have a birthday during that time frame, it is polite to simply wait until those dates have passed. In the event an atheist has not been freed by their oppressors and are forced to something religiously festive, the atheist reserves the right to not participate in any rituals or traditions such as "peace on earth" and/or "goodwill toward men".
Also, until the radio and television zealots learn to accommodate our downtrodden brethren, atheists will be allowed to rewrite holiday songs and movies as they see fit (since they can't escape the "spirit of the season" and you can only watch so much Weather Channel in December).
I have taken the liberty of starting the creative process of "religion sterilizing" some of the more popular songs and movies in our culture commonly seen/heard during December:
Movie Rewrites:
Lastly, if the Universe values anything, it's irony:
That's right, the Atheists for Human Rights organization adopted a highway right next to a church! Whether that was intended or not, I support the plight of the atheist. I have a dream that one day "believer" children and "non-believer" children, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will sit down and break bread with the Atheist. Let freedom ring.
Until that time comes, I will proudly hold my head up high and say "I believe in atheists for human rights! They have a difficult voyage ahead and it will not be easy, but I will stand behind you all!"
And I will pray for you...
-Cheers!
I have driven by this sign for years and still chuckle to myself:
I assure you, this picture has not been doctored...it exists. This sign can be found on CR-46 in Lakeville, MN east of I-35 just past Interlachen Blvd. For some of you atheists out there, I'm sure you're going to need to see it and probably physically touch/feel it for yourself before you can decide to believe in it's existence.
What I don't understand is what does "atheists for human rights" actually mean? Human rights, like freedom of religion? Well, seems atheists have nothing to worry about on that one since there's nothing to judge/challenge/rebuttal against. In fact, atheists seem to be the antithesis of this since they are the ones challenging "believers" on their faith. They call "believers" dumb, blind, arrogant, etc, and they tend to pull out the PROVE IT card every time someone dares to mention the "F" word in their presence.
In fact, I'm sure there's a sign out there somewhere that looks like this:
* For the record, this picture has been doctored.
To help support the uphill struggle of the oppressed atheist, I have come up with a list of things that should help in the awful plight that is commonly known as the atheist human rights movement. Also, feel free to add any of this to the Atheist Magna Carta (tentatively titled "Atheismo").
No more will the atheist be held accountable for participating in a religious event. The atheist should go to work on December 25th proudly with the excitement of knowing they will get much accomplished since it's more than likely going to be a slower day. The atheist should decide when they want to give up their bad habits and not let something like Lent dictate the timing for them. The atheist should be allowed to eat pork or any kind of meat on any day they like, and the atheist gets to decide which Friday will get to be "good".
The atheist should be given immunity and denied certain foods and treats that are offered during certain times of the year such as chocolate bunnies/santas, hard boiled eggs (that are less than white in color), egg nog (in fact, let's remove all nog of any kind just to be safe), and of course marshmallow animals (sometimes referred to as "Peeps"). In addition, we should remove all Kosher food off the atheist menu completely...including the Kosher salt most bars use to make their margaritas.
To help make this easier for them, atheists should be uninvited to all holiday parties, get togethers and social gatherings...especially if they involve gift exchanges, candles and/or decorated pine trees. Also, do not offer atheists a gift between December 1st and January 10th. If an atheist happens to have a birthday during that time frame, it is polite to simply wait until those dates have passed. In the event an atheist has not been freed by their oppressors and are forced to something religiously festive, the atheist reserves the right to not participate in any rituals or traditions such as "peace on earth" and/or "goodwill toward men".
Also, until the radio and television zealots learn to accommodate our downtrodden brethren, atheists will be allowed to rewrite holiday songs and movies as they see fit (since they can't escape the "spirit of the season" and you can only watch so much Weather Channel in December).
I have taken the liberty of starting the creative process of "religion sterilizing" some of the more popular songs and movies in our culture commonly seen/heard during December:
Movie Rewrites:
- It's a Wonderful Life will now end with - "Every time a bell rings, I get a headache."
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer will get his shiny nose from a tumor and he will be forced to live on the Island of Misfit Toys forever.
- Since there is no afterlife for atheists, A Christmas Carol will now be a documentary about winter in 19th century Victorian England.
- Ralphie never shot his eye out with his BB gun. Instead, A Christmas Story will be shortened to Ralphie growing up hating his parents and teachers because they never believed that a Red Ryder BB gun was the perfect gift (since he couldn't use the excuse of Christmas/Santa). Later in life, Ralphie would grow up to become an alcoholic and president of the NRA.
- Holly Jolly Christmas: "Have a holly, jolly Thursday! It's the best time of the week."
- White Christmas: "I'm dreaming of a white nothing, just like the ones I used to know...I guess."
- Santa Claus is Coming to Town: "You better watch for traffic, you better not try, you better avoid the crowds, I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to the mall."
- Jingle Bells: "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin..." ***oh wait, I didn't write that one***
Lastly, if the Universe values anything, it's irony:
That's right, the Atheists for Human Rights organization adopted a highway right next to a church! Whether that was intended or not, I support the plight of the atheist. I have a dream that one day "believer" children and "non-believer" children, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will sit down and break bread with the Atheist. Let freedom ring.
Until that time comes, I will proudly hold my head up high and say "I believe in atheists for human rights! They have a difficult voyage ahead and it will not be easy, but I will stand behind you all!"
And I will pray for you...
-Cheers!
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