Atheists for Human Rights

We live in such an individualistic society that everyone seems to insist their beliefs are the one and only "true north".  We are so self-absorbed in our own opinions that we would rather de-friend a person on Facebook than admit someone else's point of view may actually be valid and/or viable (yes, I am guilty of de-friending someone on Facebook as well, but he was a stupid, racist a-hole and I didn't like his narrow mindedness).  Because of this, I have decided to keep my opinions to myself on this post.  While I find humor in the topic, I will try to avoid rekindling the ongoing argument about whose deity's farts don't stink.

I have driven by this sign for years and still chuckle to myself:

I assure you, this picture has not been doctored...it exists.  This sign can be found on CR-46 in Lakeville, MN east of I-35 just past Interlachen Blvd.  For some of you atheists out there, I'm sure you're going to need to see it and probably physically touch/feel it for yourself before you can decide to believe in it's existence.

What I don't understand is what does "atheists for human rights" actually mean?  Human rights, like freedom of religion?  Well, seems atheists have nothing to worry about on that one since there's nothing to judge/challenge/rebuttal against.  In fact, atheists seem to be the antithesis of this since they are the ones challenging "believers" on their faith.  They call "believers" dumb, blind, arrogant, etc, and they tend to pull out the PROVE IT card every time someone dares to mention the "F" word in their presence. 

In fact, I'm sure there's a sign out there somewhere that looks like this:

* For the record, this picture has been doctored.

To help support the uphill struggle of the oppressed atheist, I have come up with a list of things that should help in the awful plight that is commonly known as the atheist human rights movement.  Also, feel free to add any of this to the Atheist Magna Carta (tentatively titled "Atheismo").

No more will the atheist be held accountable for participating in a religious event.  The atheist should go to work on December 25th proudly with the excitement of knowing they will get much accomplished since it's more than likely going to be a slower day.  The atheist should decide when they want to give up their bad habits and not let something like Lent dictate the timing for them.  The atheist should be allowed to eat pork or any kind of meat on any day they like, and the atheist gets to decide which Friday will get to be "good".

The atheist should be given immunity and denied certain foods and treats that are offered during certain times of the year such as chocolate bunnies/santas, hard boiled eggs (that are less than white in color), egg nog (in fact, let's remove all nog of any kind just to be safe), and of course marshmallow animals (sometimes referred to as "Peeps").  In addition, we should remove all Kosher food off the atheist menu completely...including the Kosher salt most bars use to make their margaritas.

To help make this easier for them, atheists should be uninvited to all holiday parties, get togethers and social gatherings...especially if they involve gift exchanges, candles and/or decorated pine trees.  Also, do not offer atheists a gift between December 1st and January 10th.  If an atheist happens to have a birthday during that time frame, it is polite to simply wait until those dates have passed.  In the event an atheist has not been freed by their oppressors and are forced to something religiously festive, the atheist reserves the right to not participate in any rituals or traditions such as "peace on earth" and/or "goodwill toward men".

Also, until the radio and television zealots learn to accommodate our downtrodden brethren, atheists will be allowed to rewrite holiday songs and movies as they see fit (since they can't escape the "spirit of the season" and you can only watch so much Weather Channel in December).

I have taken the liberty of starting the creative process of "religion sterilizing" some of the more popular songs and movies in our culture commonly seen/heard during December:

Movie Rewrites:

• It's a Wonderful Life will now end with - "Every time a bell rings, I get a headache."
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer will get his shiny nose from a tumor and he will be forced to live on the Island of Misfit Toys forever.
• Since there is no afterlife for atheists, A Christmas Carol will now be a documentary about winter in 19th century Victorian England.
• Ralphie never shot his eye out with his BB gun.  Instead, A Christmas Story will be shortened to Ralphie growing up hating his parents and teachers because they never believed that a Red Ryder BB gun was the perfect gift (since he couldn't use the excuse of Christmas/Santa).  Later in life, Ralphie would grow up to become an alcoholic and president of the NRA.

Song Rewrites:

• Holly Jolly Christmas:  "Have a holly, jolly Thursday!  It's the best time of the week."
• White Christmas:  "I'm dreaming of a white nothing, just like the ones I used to know...I guess."
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town:  "You better watch for traffic, you better not try, you better avoid the crowds, I'm telling you why:  Santa Claus is coming to the mall."
• Jingle Bells:  "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin..."  ***oh wait, I didn't write that one***

So there you have it.  Hopefully this will help slightly in the ongoing war against the poor and unfair treatment of atheists.  We had a lot of fun writing this one here at the Lemon, but don't think for a second that "believers" are off the hook.  There are a lot of problems with religions too (especially the organized kind).  But until I see an Adopt a Highway sign that reads "Christians Against Easter" or a billboard for a Jewish pig roast restaurant, I'll have to stick with what I have actually witnessed.

Lastly, if the Universe values anything, it's irony:

That's right, the Atheists for Human Rights organization adopted a highway right next to a church!  Whether that was intended or not, I support the plight of the atheist.  I have a dream that one day "believer" children and "non-believer" children, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will sit down and break bread with the Atheist.  Let freedom ring.

Until that time comes, I will proudly hold my head up high and say "I believe in atheists for human rights!  They have a difficult voyage ahead and it will not be easy, but I will stand behind you all!"

And I will pray for you...

-Cheers!