Witness Protection Program

It's that time again, yep, you guessed it - time for yet another post from that unknown blog - Edge of the Lemon!

First some updates:

Baby Alex is now four weeks old and doing fine.  He's a good sleeper and a good eater (and a stinky pooper).  His siblings are still helping out with him, but that interest is starting to dissipate rapidly.  He's definitely become one of the family, and it's only a matter of time before we give him some embarrassing nickname.

I'm still in a desperate search for a new show to watch.  I've tried a couple recently, but nothing has really grabbed my interested too much.  I have found myself re-watching Firefly on Netflix while I work out...otherwise, I'm still shopping around.

M recently tried to get me into the Big Bang Theory; however, her approach was a little questionable:

She's a big, silly goof isn't she folks?

Just because I know the difference between a rhombus and a Romulan, play video games and laugh at the humorous Lord of the Rings and sci-fi undertones doesn't make me a...oh my god - I'm such a nerd!  Well, there you have it, M was right once again...thanks a lot Universe.

Anyway, you might recall me mentioning that my friend, Jerry the Tool, loaned me the first season of Burn Notice.  The status update on me watching that one is that the DVDs have officially left the front seat of my car and are now somewhere in my house.  I remember putting them on my desk and I think I saw them in a drawer about a week ago...more to come!

Well alright...on with the post!

I recently had one of my direct reports from work forward me the strangest email.  To protect the innocent (and punish the guilty), I have masked this person's real name and have strategically called him Lason Jane:

Now Jason La...I mean, Lason Jane (see what I did there?) sent this email to me recently and thought I could use it in a blog post.  This was sent to Lason by a consultant working with him on a project, and this consultant is someone who has rarely spoken to Lason since the project first began.  I assure you, none of the contents of this email were altered in any way (I just made it more appealing for blogging purposes):

Now, I'd like to think I can give anyone the benefit of the doubt on things like this, but even I was a little thrown back by this email.  I kept thinking to myself:

For those of you wondering - no, I did NOT find this picture on the interweb...I made it!

***applause***

Also, show of hands from those of you who read that quote in Hank Hill's voice...anyone?

Anyway, I could not help but think of Lason and how he could possibly have become a part of the Witness Protection Program (WPP).  My initial thoughts went to the standard stuff - witnessed a mob hit, was a bookie for the mob, was a soldier in a mob war, turned in his mob boss because of unpaid parking tickets...something/anything to do with the mob (because in the movies that's the only reason people go into the WPP right?).

I then started to think of the kind of person Lason is and realized it probably had nothing to do with the mob...so I did some digging.  You would not believe the crazy stuff that this Lason Jane character has done in his life.  He's not in hiding because of the mob...he's in hiding because most of the world is after him (for one reason or another).

Here's why:

Early in his career, Lason started out as a mid-level product exec for the Coca-Cola company during the mid '80s.  This was Lason's million dollar idea:

That's right, Lason is responsible for the train wreck once known as The New Coke, which soon became Coke II.  Shortly after that, it was then repackaged and sold as a discount anti-freeze which was quickly taken off the market when cars began intentionally driving into trees and waking their owners up in the middle of the night to brutally beat the crap out of them.

After leaving Coca-Cola soon after that (for unrelated reasons), Lason joined the music industry.  It was his job to listen to unknown songs and determine which ones should be played on the radio and offered up to sell to the public:

That career lasted about a week...

Venturing not far from his role in the music industry, Lason then decided to become an agent and publicist (he got two pay checks that way).  His newness to the music scene and radical thinking sparked the interest of country music sensation, Garth Brooks (who had been struggling with his own career and needing something to do with that assload of money he had acquired by being a successful country music star).

Lason had the answer:

Let's take a quick pause from our story to explain something.  For those of you who did not catch the above joke, back in late 90's, Garth Brooks (pictured top left) created a fake persona known as Chris Gaines (pictured top right) who played more of the pop/alternative music of that era...why he did that, only Lason knows for sure.  The other picture is of magician Criss Angel who would go on to steal Chris Gaine's image and haircut.

So in summary:

Garth Brooks is Chris Gaines...

Criss Angel is Mindfreak...

Questions???

Moving on...

After his lucrative career in music, Lason decided to try the visual arts and become a studio exec for national television.  Lason's vision of the future was less plot / memorable characters / story lines / substance, and more REALITY!!!  That's right, it was Lason Jane who canceled Firefly, Arrested Development, Futurama (the first time) and Family Guy (the first time too)...along with all of your other favorite shows that are no longer on the air.  It's all Lason's doing!  Instead, Lason decided to pollute the airwaves by rehashing the same craptacular formula into spinoff after spinoff.

Some of Lason's more popular projects included the following:

And of course, the ever popular:

So after conquering marketing, music and TV, there was only one place left to go - movies.  But along with the other areas of Lason's career, that too was short-lived:

And so ended Lason's career in the movie industry.

After so much angst and hatred of the world towards one person, Lason decided to go into hiding.  He has since joined the humbled ranks of a project team tasked with implementing new clients into their pharmacy benefits.  From a promising career to public enemy #1, Lason has truly experienced it all.  But through it all, Lason has kept his head held high and his whereabouts unknown.  I for one salute Lason for his actions, for without him, I would never know pain, bad ideas, or the meaning of the word idiolect.

So if you ever happen to meet Lason in your path through life, thank him for a job done poorly.  After all, someone has to take the fall for all those bad ideas right?

In closing, I leave you with something I found on the wild, wild web.  I know we (just like Lason) all wish there was always going to be a backup plan:

May you all reach for that furthest star, and be ready to jump to a backup plan when you fail miserably.

-Cheers!