As I mentioned, my travel schedule has once again kicked into high gear. Most recently, I have been to St. Louis, Bloomington (Illinois) and New York City all within a span of about 10 days. With a new (metallic) implant, I have been preparing for this: allowing more time to get through security, the beeping of the metal detectors, the flashing of my implant card to show TSA that they can't keep telling me to "just go through again", and of course, the inevitable pat down search.
In addition to preparing, I was also strategically planning my security lines at the MSP and STL airports (trip #1). There are certain checkpoints that use the newer body scanners over the old school metal detectors. These machines scan the exterior of your body only, making life for people like me a little easier. Unfortunately, this process also takes longer and it seems that the 15 people going through before me need to be told what to expect and then make sure they are comfortable with what the TSA is going to see on their screens post-scan:
Some people disagree with this new method. They will complain that it invades their privacy or is too revealing or whatever. Me? I don't care. Maybe my modesty isn't up to par with some of the larger prudes out there, but I have no problem going through something like this at an airport. In fact, I would proudly walk through the airport naked if it meant that we were all reassured that some deranged fanatic wasn't trying to use an airplane as a terrorist weapon and killing hundreds of people in the process. Sorry gang, we live in a time where people just can't be trusted...not even you. So everyone either needs to learn to accept the circumstances of history's actions or grow a pair of wings and learn to fly (sorry, ranting...I'm back now).
My second trip went a little smoother, but it was unexpected and a little concerning. I was not as much of a planner with my trip to Illinois so I ended up going through a checkpoint that didn't offer the full body scan. When I made it up to the front of the line, I had my implant card ready and I went through the metal detector. Strangest thing was that once I went through, nothing else happened - no beeps, no flashing lights, no TSA minions in riot gear asking me to step out of line, nothing!
To say I was surprised is an understatement:
I thought the machine was broken or something. I knew coming back, it could be a different story, but again, I went through the detectors without even a blip. I then thought to myself that the whole process is a scam and that the TSA had us all convinced they were providing us a crucial service like seat fillers at the Oscars or dinosaur insurance or an extended warranty. Those thoughts were quickly thwarted when my traveling companion went through and her necklace forced her to remove all her jewelry and go through again. I felt a little better about the situation, but I still wondered how metal jewelry is bad, but a metal implant hidden inside the body is okie dokie (to be fair, this necklace appeared to be made of ball bearings).
The most interesting of all trips was the one to New York City. At this point, I was no longer confused, but confident that I had this all figured out. THAT is when the stupid f#$%ing metal detector caught me. So without much delay, I was ushered to the back of the security area where I met a pleasant gentleman by the name of Gary who introduced himself to me (I guess it's a courtesy since we're about to become pretty "close" friends) and told me to turn and face the wall.
The pat down lasted no more than a few minutes, but when I was done, I felt like Bruce Willis from Blind Date:
And of course, flying out of LaGuardia airport, I received the same "personal" level of attention on my way home. Fortunately, I was able to upgrade to First Class on both the trip there and the trip home so I was helping myself to the complimentary, alcoholic beverages offered .
Overall I'd say I learned a lot during the past few trips. I can't say that I am any closer to cracking the code that is TSA security, but I can at least now say that I have experienced new situations and met some interesting (and VERY friendly) people along the way.
Moving on, I wanted to share with all of you the winners of the Make Fun of Chris contest. The entries were in high quantities and strategically hilarious (most anyway). But with every contest, you need to have winners, so congrats go to both Jerry and Greg for their winning entries:
Jerry: Just because you got your Iron Man starter kit doesn't mean you are that cool ya know.
Greg: Six million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. He only gets one "na" when jumping.
The selection process was a difficult task for our judges, but in the end, they came to a consensus of who truly deserved the honor of successfully making fun of me:
Due to public demand, a small, private awards ceremony was already held in an undisclosed location where both winners took home some fabulous prizes:
***Note: Both gifts were immediately thrown away following the taking of this picture. I guess they didn't see the humor in my response to people openly making fun of me. I guess I'll just buy them lunch at Dickie's instead.
-Cheers!
Hey, as official Awards Ceremony Photographer and Historian, I wanna go to Dickie's too! ;)
ReplyDeleteSee if you'd sprung for the mid-tier Iron Man kit, you'd have the jet boots and be able to avoid airport security.
ReplyDeleteYou neglected to mention that the "prizes" given were the pee cups you used post-surgery, before you were able to make it to the bathroom under your own power. Trust me, no one wants to see "Two cups, one Chris."
I don't travel too much anymore, so I'm not up-to-date on the most recent technology the TSA is using. The last trip I took, I dressed to impress in some super cute capris with HUGE metal eyelets and earned myself a pat-down. I did NOT want a repeat performance on the return trip, so I chose different pants.
ReplyDeleteI had a chest x-ray this spring to follow up on a nasty bout of pneumonia and I was truly shocked at the (apparent) advancements in that technology since my last x-ray. (It's only been a couple of years, too. I'm fairly injury-prone.) The x-ray tech had me dress and meet the doctor in the hallway to view my scan, where he was able to verify that the pneumonia had been cleared out, but replaced with bronchitis. (I am just that lucky.) Also on display in the hallway were my breasts. (Did I mention I happen to WORK at my doctor's office. Yeah.) "Um, those were my boobs! I didn't know you could see BOOBS on an x-ray!" I told the x-ray tech after the doctor had walked away. She's a lovely Viatnemese woman in her 60's. "Wha?" she asked me, bringing up the screen again. "Yes, boobies. But he not looking there. He looking HERE." She tapped the screen. Yep. Don't care WHERE he was looking. My boobs on display in the workplace. Awesome.
I spent the rest of the day informing my co-workers that yes, you can see BOOBS on an x-ray. Because of this enlightenment, I can understand why people are worried about their privacy at airport security checkpoints. However, I am with you, though, that if it will keep us all safe, I would gladly walk around naked. I would think the only people protesting these types of screenings would be people intending to do harm. Everyone else should just suck it up and smile for the camera. :-)