Lemon Quickies II

Well another holiday season is behind us.  It seems to go faster and faster every year.  Psycho M showed up for a little while during our annual Christmas photo shoot:

Seriously, I felt like I was either going to go dust the ceiling with my head or I was on my way to go film some porn.  But with a little help from my good friend Photoshop and several test pics of me in various stages of "poof", I was able to replace my flat hair head with one that had more body and bounce:

For those of you who don't know, M is nearly impossible to shop for.  Seriously, even if she tells you what she wants, you'd better research the hell out of it because if it didn't score at least 4 stars on Amazon, it's going back...just like that elliptical machine I just bought her.  What makes it worse is that her birthday is December 26th!  So not only do I have to come up with an entire Christmas worth of swag, I also have her birthday the next day (I know, it's worse for her blah blah blah, but still - my blog, my rants).  So this year I thought that I had totally outdone myself.  I had been paying attention to her subtle hints for months, and I knew what I was going to get her - a Kindle!

I was so sure of myself that I thought no matter how bad my other presents were, M would love me forever because I remembered that she wanted a Kindle and I got one for her:

But it was not meant to be.  Two days after I bought it, M told me she didn't think she wanted a Kindle this year.  My dreams were shattered:

And I was stuck having to revert back to my other ideas.  Unfortunately, I was not having much luck with those either:

Come on!  Target should have a mandatory dress code - shoes/pants required and you can't wear a stupid red shirt unless you fricken work there!  Ah well, it all turned out fine in the end.  M kept everything I gave her this year (I think) and I got to learn how much of a terrible, sexist pig I am for buying my wife a sewing machine for Christmas (which she asked for by the way).  It was a win-win kind of holiday!

Since the weather in Minnesota has been insanely snowy this year, I have been abusing the hell out of the ability to work from home.  It's nice because I can still do everything I do in the office, except without the need to spend two hours sitting in "snow traffic" wondering why the hell I didn't just work from home.  Although with M and the kids also at home, it can get a little tricky trying to teach the kids that when Daddy's on a conference call, he needs to be left alone:

Finally I will leave you once again with some recent comments from my children.  M and Ash have become addicted to New Super Mario Bros for the Wii.  Ash usually wants to play it by himself, but M is really good at this game and it's nice that they can both play at the same time.  Course the comments can be pretty funny too:

Lastly, I wish I knew what is going on in the minds of kids.  Sometimes they say such random things that you wonder how their thought process led them there.  I was thinking about that recently when we were all playing "horsey" together:

Actually, maybe it's better that I don't...

-Cheers!

Seasons Greetings

To everyone applicable:

Merry Christmas



Happy Chanuka



For everyone else:

Super Funtime Non-Denominational Winter Festivus Celebration Moment

Happy Holidays to all from Edge of the Lemon.

-Cheers!

DUDE!

You know when someone does something so asinine or says the wrong thing at the wrong time that you just can't believe your existence has led you to that moment?  When you just want to say "SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL?!"  In the 60's those people would have been called a "dip stick", in the 70's they were a "spaz", in the 80's an "airhead", 90's "fart knocker" (thanks to Beavis and Butthead!).  At the turn of the century it was just "WTF?" and now as we enter a new decade it seems to be a simple "DUDE!".

I remember the first time I was "DUDE-ed" by M.  We were missing a pair of clippers from the bathroom and she was convinced I had misplaced them somewhere.  Course, I knew it was all her wrongful doing so we basically spent weeks blaming each other for losing them.  One day, M nonchalantly lets me know that she found the clippers...right where I had left them.  Um, what?  Where I had left them?  Really?  And where was that exactly?  Apparently it was in one of my bags(?!).  I'm still not sure how it became my bag.  Inside was nail polish, emery boards, buffers, cuticle trimmers, and sure enough - our missing clippers.  Long story short, I asked M about 5 times whose bag it was.  She insisted each time that it was mine.  Okay, well seeing that I have no use for anything in the bag, I threw it in the trash.  And that's when I got hit with it..."DUDE! What the hell?"

That's right, boys and girls, my wife just "DUDE-ed" me...in our own home even...in front of the children!  Actually, I found it rather funny to hear something like that come out of M.  It's not that I didn't think she had it in her, it was just the perfect reaction to me acting like such a fart knocker.  Ever since then, we have become a family of "DUDE-ers".  We say it to each other all the time now. 


At the dinner table:

To enforce important life lessons:

When discussing the finer points of the English language:

Even little Adler has started in on the fun:

And of course, M still scolds me with it:

Such changes in our basic speech.  I can't help but wonder what is evolving faster:  technology or the English language.  Anyway, it is what it is.  The more you try to fight it, the more...uh, something...I forgot how the rest goes.

DUDE!  I mean, Cheers!

Even Steven...

Pretty sad when I'm making more appearances on Chris' blog than I am my own!  BUT he did have a very lovely commenter on his blog saying that by adding my input, his blog is better off...so I'm going to just roll with that comment and jump on here at any given time...it's the risk he takes when writing about me on here...it's like signing up to date Taylor Swift...I'll always get the last word and set the record straight...be it on this blog or my own =)

I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion on how my mind works...it's a sometimes confusing and intricate process to analyze...but here goes:

FIRST, it's not actually just about Chris' travel...that wouldn't be fair time wise on it's own (for how many nights he takes Adler, versus how many I have him)...it's also him being able to sleep in every weekend even after having 3 children.  He normally gets a good three, sometimes four hours on top of what I get because of my lovingly allowing him that extra slumber.  And actually, a handful of days during the work week, he sleeps in later than I do as well! 

SECOND, in addition to the extra sleep, Chris gets more sex than the average man (Or for all intensive purposes, his friends).  I recently held a sex poll at his friend's party...I tend to take sex polls from time to time to make sure we're keeping up with the Joneses...and as it turns out, we're apparently surpassing the Joneses! 

So score one for Team Collins...my husband may be slightly sleep deprived from time to time, but he certainly isn't sex deprived...so I think all is right in the world for now...

You can just call us Even Steven...

**Just so you know, even when Chris does travel, he offers to take Adler for even  more nights before he leaves...so don't be fooled into thinking he minds the 3 nights on, 1 night off...he's actually very inclined towards making me happy...and not just because life is better when the wife is happy...He genuinely is a good guy!

The Great Debate

Since Adler was born, M and I have been taking turns with him at night.  I take three nights, then M takes a night, then I start my three again.  I know, you're questioning the math right?  Well in M's mind it somehow makes sense.  Of course she'll tell you it's because of all of my travel for work that it all magically evens itself out.  Although, I've been asking to see that mapped out formula for years now and still have yet to see any type of equation on this after three kids. 

Anyway, since M is so freakishly crazy about her sleep, we have been sleeping in separate rooms so she can have uninterrupted sleep on the six nights a week she doesn't have to get up with our son.  That means that either Ayris or Asher gets to sleep with me in the "big bed" each night (fortunately our kids can sleep through a plane crash so there is no fear of waking them in the middle of the night).  But that also means a nightly ritual of arguing over who gets to sleep where.  Now don't feel bad for M on this because it's a constant flux as to who wants Mommy or Daddy.  Some weeks, it's all about who GETS to sleep with Daddy while other times they're fighting over who HAS to sleep with Daddy (I personally feel it's their way of stalling and not going to bed, but I can't prove anything yet).

I recently decided to try something new with one of our more recent encounters with this.  Typically it's a shouting match, hitting/kicking has been known to be involved, and usually ends with M or me bargaining a college education's worth of goodies and bribes to the one who is willing to give in.  This time, however, I decided to take a page out of my parent's Book of Conflict Resolution.  Growing up, when my sister and I would get into an argument, we would be sat down facing each other (knee to knee) and would not be allowed to leave until we worked out our differences.  We hated being put into that situation so much, that whatever it was that we were fighting over seemed so trivial that we'd just let it go so we can get out of the "knee to knee chairs".

While I wasn't ready to sit the kids knee to knee, I thought that it would be good to let the two of them work through it on their own.  "Looks like we've got a problem here, guys.  You two need to talk it through and figure it out."  That was the only instruction I gave them.  In hindsight, I probably should have given a three and a four year old a little more direction.

Here is how the conversation unfolded (NOTE:  I added the podiums in the cartoon for comedic purposes only...no, we do not have several of these stored in our home in the event a wicked-awesome debate happens to break out).

Being the logical thinker that she is, Ayris starts with the obvious.  Asher, on the other hand, goes down the more personal route:

Feeling confident, Ayris continues her offensive attack with more validity.  Ash tries to confuse his opponent with random facts:

Wow, such different strategies!  Ayris takes first blood with a reminder of the already established rules.  Ash plays the gender card:

Confusion seems to be working a little as Ayris continues to justify her stance by her deeper interpretation of the already mentioned rules.  Ash tries hypnosis.

Feeling trapped (and totally confused), Ayris begins her bargaining which Ash begrudgingly accepts:

Wait, what?  Did they just commit me to a late night filled with Fraggle Rock?  Oh well, I was so proud of them for working this out on their own that I didn't care.  I felt like I had taught them something on how to better handle conflicts and maybe, just maybe, they would be able to work through their differences without the need to take ten paces, turn and shoot (again, another metaphor...M would kill me if I gave our kids guns).

So with this small victory, me thinking I did something right to actually teach my children good morals and the happiness of knowing I was going to be sleeping soon, I went to bed that evening with a sense of accomplishment and overall good karma. 

Then this happened:

Sometimes you just can't win...

-Cheers!

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming...

Aw, success!  This is Michelle.  I have broken into Chris' blog so I can perhaps paint a more accurate respresentation of my dream home and my messed up mind at the same time...also allowing any realtors out there a head start on the true existing conditions that must be met before buying any property...

First off, I would never have a moat with sharks around the perimeter of my house.  Sharks are my biggest fear next to serial killers.  Sharks come first...serial killers second.  Although, now that I write that out, I might want to switch it...none the less, there'd be no sharks outside of my house or I wouldn't be living there!  Second, I would also never have that thing from Alien sitting out there...I'd rather have some sort of monster that looks scary to outsiders but is really just a big ball of mush, who we can welcome into our home at any given time.  (Although, I don't NEED a monster...Chris made that addition himself)...he pretty much took liberties with everything...I never mentioned a scary door, or the moat, or the sharks, or the British guard or the missiles on the roof...although, if I'm being honest...I like the addition of the missiles and the guard.  I think the missiles would be somewhat alarming to others and perhaps keep the crazy people away (although they probably wouldn't last long...I'm sure the government would find something wrong with having missiles on ones' roof) but the guard I think would be an enjoyable aspect for the whole family.  I could send the kids out there to try and get him to smile when I needed to get some stuff done around the house.

Okay, back to my true list for all of the realtors out there...I actually want TWO levels (not one...he was confused, I've told him I didn't want 3 levels like he wants because THEN there'd be too many points of entry)...and I want all of the bedrooms on the 2nd level (so for those of you counting, we'll need at least 7 rooms on the 2nd floor!) because I don't want anyone being able to sneak in (predators) or sneak out (teenagers).  Also, I don't want to live by a lake (don't want my nonswimming children to drown, plus lakes are just dirty and bodies can be thrown in there) and I don't want to live by a bunch of trees (I had forgotten about the spiders, that is true...there are more spiders in your house the more brush surrounding it BUT my bigger thing was that heavily wooded areas are probably drop off spots for bodies---SORRY people...just telling you how it is in my mind!)...lets see, no attic.  Chris tells me that all houses have attics so I guess we're just going to have to fill ours with something...like a ton of cotton...or plastic bubble sheets, or wood or metal or whatever...because attics are where crazy people hide out once they get into your house.  No one even likes going in the attic...unless you're male...and even then, they probably don't like going either!  They just suck it up because they have to.  SO, we need to fill the attic and then remove any option of going up there...like those creepy pull down stair things that always make too much noise in the movies.  Also, the fence...it needs to be about 8 feet tall with no outside door option.  We could have a handle with a lock on the inside of the fence.  Originally, I didn't want a door at all...but Chris feels some huge need to be able to bring a lawnmover back and forth instead of through the house when he I need to mow the front lawn...so being the giver that I am, I will make this exception of having a door but only being able to access it from the inside of our lawn.  We also will have those motion light things on the outside of our house...on every side.  Originally we were going to have 2 Dobermans' but at the rate we're having kids and their annoying persistance that we get them dogs, we'll probably end up with 2 Dobermans, some yorkies, a poodle, a lab, a brussels griffon, a Huskie and whatever else Ayris has mentioned on her ever changing list of dogs that she wants.  (Ya can't give one kid a dog and not the others right?)...

Well this list has gotten exhausting.  Yes, I know we're going to be the family from hell to relocate into another house and any realtor should probably run from us BUT I don't think all of these requests seem unreasonable.  I'm just a person who knows what I want and there's nothing wrong with that! 

So in conclusion, yes, I'm psycho, I will fully admit that...I find humor in the crazy that is me, which is why I encourage Chris to use it as material...but just keep in mind that Chris is big on embellishing...so I may just have to pop in every once in a while to set the record straight...so you know, people don't think I'm crazier than I really am  =)

*Sorry for breaking into your blog Chris, but I've given you every opportunity to guest write on mine so I didn't figure you'd mind.  Just don't change your password in case I need to set the record straight again!

Psycho M: Deconstruction of a Dream Home

As some of you may already know, M is a psycho.  No, we're not in the middle of a fight, and this is not my vindictive way of getting back at her.  In fact, she will be the first to admit she is totally out of her mind crazy when it comes to paranoia (seriously, check out her blog sometime:  http://comingupcollins.blogspot.com/ ). 

Case in point, our discussions of a new home.  As our family continues to grow, our current house is shrinking.  It's only a matter of time before we reach our maximum occupancy and the Lakeville Fire Department comes in to shut us down.  So M and I have been trying to determine what we would require in our new home.

My vision is pretty simple - lots of windows, mature trees and a room for each of the kids:

Now it's time for Psycho M to offer her input.  First, no trees...that's where all the icky spiders live:

Second, we can only have one point of entry..no windows and only one door allowed.  That way all the serial killers in the area don't have tons of options as to how to sneak into the house and kill everyone.  Oh, and this one is important, we can't have more than one level...serial killers like to hide on the floor opposite of where the people will be and make prank calls to the house.  Also, we need to make our door look scary so we don't appear to be friendly and inviting to total strangers who happen to carry chainsaws and wear hockey masks:

Now that we're well secured inside our tomb home, it's now time to better protect the outside.  Like I said, no trees are allowed because of the icky spiders, so why not dig a moat and fill it full of monsters and sharks to help keep the yard easy to manage:

While this is a good start, we're still not finished.  The overall feel still isn't saying "GO AWAY!".  So let's build a giant wall like the one they had in Berlin.  We should also add graffiti to tell people who might be passing by, "Hey, look at our giant wall.  Would you like to see how nice it is on the inside?  Too fricken bad!"  So something like this:

Almost there!  We still have to consider patrolling the perimeter and guarding the gate so let's include one of those British guards and a creature from the Alien movies to monitor everything from the outside.  Oh, and I also added a missile battery on the roof to protect us against planes, helicopters, pterodactyls, or any other kind of aerial assault Psycho M's messed up head may come up with to worry about:

So there it is, in all it's glory - our dream home!  For those of you in the reality business, who just so happens to know of a place that would be perfect for us, please let us know.  In the meantime, we'll just continue looking and keep our fingers crossed.

-Cheers!

An Honest Mistake

Sometimes even mediocre stories can be good if told well.  I'm a fan of storytellers who are not afraid to get creative when it comes to trying to make an OK story better.  One way would be to tell the story out of order.  I know, it's been done - horror, mystery, Seinfeld - the list goes on.  When I created this week's cartoon, I was not really finding it as funny as I was expecting.  I then decided to lay out the panels in reverse order and read the story backwards which surprisingly turned out to be a lot better.

3:53pm:

3:48pm:

3:45pm:

3:42pm:

3:41pm:

I swear this is exactly how it happened too.

Cheers!

Misguidance of Dora the Explorer

I have a serious concern about the lessons being taught to kids these days from popular children's shows.  Dora the Explorer (almost rhymes) lives in a magical rain forest where her animal friends wear clothes and rainbows can talk.  My kids don't live in that world.  We live in Minnesota where animals are forced to wear clothes by their owners and the only rainbows we see are on the backs of Subarus. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of parent that expects TV to raise my kids.  But with that said, I don't have a problem with them watching these kinds of kid shows...most of the time.  In one episode, Dora encounters a bunch of snakes in the middle of the road.  So what does Dora do?  She gives them cookies.  She later meets up with an angry bear.  Hrm, I wonder what should be done about this bear.  Oh look, they're all singing a song together!

OK, that's fun right?  But then I started thinking about what would happen if my own kids found themselves in these same situations.  I sure as hell wouldn't want them to try and sing to a bear, or even worse, try to force feed a bunch of snakes some Oreos.  These are not the lessons I'd want my children taking with them the next time they are wandering the wilderness on their way to gumdrop mountain to return a missing hug to the Smiley Time Gang.

So let's recap.  Here's what Dora the Explorer suggests you do if you ever were to encounter an angry bear:

As an overprotective dad, I would not recommend this at all.  Instead, I would suggest the following option:

But since bear hunting in Minnesota is not year round (and the fact that M would kill me if I let our kids carry guns), we're going to have to get a little more creative.

One useful option would be to remain perfectly still and try to blend in with your natural surroundings:

If you have kids, you will know that asking them to stay perfectly still in a life or death situation would be like asking them to NOT eat that ice cream cone they just dropped on the kitchen floor.  Like it or not, it's just not going to happen.

So instead, I thought that kids should do what they do best - create a diversion and run like hell:

Granted the chances of having a blind fold and large stick on hand, plus the fact that dear old dad wouldn't see the bear in the first place is a long shot, but as I am constantly telling M during situations like this, "Point out your plot holes elsewhere!"

Hope this helps...

-Cheers!

Guy Diet

I drink diet soft drinks.  For those of you who have seen my well rounded figure, you would know that it's not because I am health conscience or wanting to keep a trim, well chiseled body .  No, I drink it more for the passion.  It's nice to know that the chemists at my favorite beverage company went the extra mile and added something in there to not only make it taste delicious but also take away all possible calories...not just some, ALL!  Anyone can add high fructose corn syrup and call it "cola", but it takes an artist to craft and infuse a beverage with Fun-o-trine or Sweet n' Happy and still manage to keep it from causing brain damage in 9 out of 10 adults.  That added step I respectfully refer to as "adding the love" to my favorite beverages.

I have recently moved away from the "regular" diets (sometimes with a hint of lime) and discovered Pepsi Max and Coke Zero...or "guy diet" as I usually call them.  These are the same 0 calorie, sugar free concoctions provided by the "regular" diets but marketed more towards the male population.  They are EXTREME, they offer a boost of energy (i.e. an assload of caffeine) and they have removed the word "diet" altogether (Pepsi Max used to be called Diet Pepsi Max).

I started to catch on to the tractor beam-like pull to these two brands when I started noticing footballs on the cans, beautiful women in hot pants and go-go boots telling me I would look so hot drinking "guy diet", and of course the most obvious, the EXTREME commercials and sponsorships.  Unfortunately, I don't have specific examples of these ad campaigns, so I whipped up a few of my own as examples.

I see stuff like this everywhere I look when NASCAR is around:

I'm not sure if it's UFC or MMA or what that they sponsor so I made up my own:

Even my beloved Dallas Cowboys (boy do they suck this season or what???) starred in a commercial several years ago:

I wanted to do four ads in total for this post, but I ran out of ideas.  So I tried to recall what I am typically doing when I am drinking "guy diet" and what that ad might look like:

So the next time you are watching your favorite blood sport on TV, doing something EXTREME, or simply enjoying some full contact sudoku online with friends, pay attention to what messages are being sent to the thirst regions of your brain.  Chances are that you have fallen prey to a "guy diet" marketing campaign and probably don't even realize it.  You have been warned...drink up!

BTW - M, we're almost out of "guy diet".  No Zero and no Max makes Chris a dull boy.

-Cheers!

A Night Out

Sometimes you just need to do what makes you happy:



-Cheers!

Lemon Quickies

Sometimes I don't have enough of a story to do a full storyboard but still some interesting situations that can be shared.  I am tentatively calling these one frame sketches "Lemon Quickies".  Below are a few I've put together so far.  Also, it is snowing here in Minnesota today so I have a feeling I will either be rolling around in the snow with the kids or hiding in terror from the amateurs on the road who forgot, in the 6 short months, how to behave in this stuff.  Either way, I'll be working on a few more cartoons this weekend with the hopes of having them posted soon (M and I are now racing to see who can post the same story first).

I love my family, but there are times when I have to play the bad guy and say "no".  It's not easy to do all the time, but sometimes it just needs to be done.  Here's what the back of my car would look like if I never said "no" to M and the kids:

But to be fair, they are the Yin to my Yang.  M sometimes has to play the bad guy to me or we'd be stuck with this:

We recently found some new cat treats for Sophie and Sabine which are cheddar flavored.  We usually get them tuna or beef or chicken flavor, but when we saw cheddar, we thought we'd give it a try.  Long story short, they loved them!  In fact, they have become rather aggressive when it comes to getting these treats.  Before, they would just sort of ween interest.  Now they turn into monsters who can't get enough...especially little, docile Sophie who will stand in the pantry all day waiting for someone to walk by so she can start screaming for more cheddar treats.  Both cats gave M a scare the other day when they became a little too aggressive:

We've since run out of these treats, and the cats have gone back to "normal" now that they can't smell the inviting scent of delicious cheddar in the house anymore.  We're still not sure if we're going to buy more...

If you read the previous post below, you would know how much of an exciting time M and I had at a recent parenting class.  This was the scene once we came back home from our torturous event:

I personally believe our world would be better off if we stopped listening to psychotic adults that are just like the rest of us and started listening more to what kids have to say.  Here are some words of wisdom from my 3-year old son, Ash:

OK, probably not "better off" per se, but I bet our world would be further up the Utopian scale if we all just had a little more penis food...maybe.

-Cheers